Hillary Clinton Chuckling Subtly, Deflecting Questions On The View Right Now

Moe here! I’m liveblogging this, naturally. Hillary is no Barack Obama on Tyra, but she looks pretty! And doesn’t say much. And bonus discussion on smoking-cessation drugs, Evanescence, and a random spur-of-the moment musing that is probably offensive on how Ann Coulter was really just doing the conservative version of what I am doing when I tell Pavement fans who haven’t gotten into Steve Malkmus’s solo shit they really need to be “perfected.”

11:14 a.m. Okay, re Ann Coulter. It wasn’t fucking hate speech! Every Christian, if they really believe in their fucking religion, wishes the Jews would come around and accept Jesus as their savior etc. etc. Even when she said it, “you need to become (snort) perfected, Donny,” it was so clear that it was said in fun! And die-hard Christians get the same shit when they talk to die-hard Muslims. “You know, we appreciate your commandments and parables and shit, but you’re really cheating yourselves by not getting into Mohammed.” Think of it this way: it’s like when you get someone with good but stubbornly anachronistic taste in music into a new band. Like my friend Steve, who refused to listen to Pavement; it just wasn’t him, the nineties weren’t his thing, etc. etc. and then one day started tooling around on LimeWire and next day I check out his iPod and it’s like a Malkmus shrine. She is DATING A MOTHERFUCKING JEW. Sure, she makes no sense. It’s, like, Hegelian or something, and one of these days Ann Coulter is going to pull an Arianna/David Brock/whatevs and we’ll all see this for the bullshit it really is etc. etc.
11:27 Now there’s a segment on how Whoopi wants to stop smoking. I’m not really watching, but my sister said Chantix worked for her. Although, she also said she stopped drinking on Wellbutrin and that turned out to be a lie…
11:35 Ok, she’s here. Outfit: boring. Beyond boring. Good call, obvs. A bird told us she’s been voice-coaching, and although her voice sounds the same, it looks like she’s thinking about it too much and is overcompensating by over-gesturing.
11:37 “Are you polarizing?” asks Babs. (They got all up on Michelle Obama for agreeing HIllary was “polarizing” while in London, which I also found annoying.) The answer is a non-answer blah blah.
11:38 Her first priority is getting us out of Iraq, “expeditiously”. Emphasis not on the expeditiously. “The era of cowboy diplomacy is over.” CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP. Don’t need prompting for that!
11:40 Whoopi asks about whether Hillary’s going to take a “strong stance” on China. Go Whoopi! The answer is a total non-answer. “We’ve got to put our own house in order first.” Um, yeah, because our own house wasn’t built with like Chinese parts or strewn with Chinese lead-tainted toys or anything like that!!
11:48 There’s a funny little “Hillary’s 10 biggest priorities as president” skit that begins with something like “Stability on ‘The View'” Lol! Oooh, Hasselbeck tries to nail her with a question on how she would deal with an IMMINENT THREAT! (This is impressive because she used the word “imminent,” you see.)
11:48 Another good question from Whoopi: what’s it like when you go to all those countries where women have no rights? Hillary says she’s been to 82 countries. Then Babs pipes up: “I’ve been to lots of misogynist countries too!”
11:49 Is it hot today or is that just the furnace? Or am I getting sick? These are the sorts of questions you can never really answer when you never leave your couch. Hillary says she thinks it’s really good to have ex-presidents on call to dispatch to foreign countries where they can apologize for the nutjobbiness of the current Administration. Oh please, Hillary, dispatch W to North Korea when you take office!
11:50 Was that seriously it? This shit is over with? Already??
11:54 Oh wow, Evanescence. Yeah, it’s over. In other news, the Evanescence girl is looking a little chunkstyle and this new song blows. Memo to fifteen year old Christian youth group kids who are into this shit: I have four words and they are “Sunny Day Real Estate.”