Hi, Attention: Ansel Elgort Is Actually Three People

Ansel Elgort, honorary teen, was interviewed by DJ friend and actual teen Martin Garrix for Teen Vogue. The resulting article is—as we have come to expect from this poreless maniac—a volcanic eruption of idiocy. I’m having a panic attack. Let’s dig in!

First of all, Ansel’s Teen DJ BFF Martin Garrix, who wrote this article with the capable hand of a recent kindergarten graduate, emphasized in his introduction that he A) had no idea who Ansel Elgort was prior to meeting him, but B) now treasures his friendship with Ansel, who is “like a brother” because “we’ve exchanged around 200 ugly selfies.”

And, um, just so you know, Ansel was totally chill and fine with the fact that Martin Garrix didn’t know who he was, he actually thought it was really hilarious! He “loved” it:

Ansel Elgort: I love how you had no clue I was a DJ back then. When I went into the booth and started playing back-to-back, you were like, “What the hell? Why is he playing with us?”

Martin Garrix: That was an awesome night.

AE: We really became close after the first time you came over to my house in Brooklyn. We have a picture of it, all of us on the water, and I put my Knicks hat on you. That was the beginning of the friendship. We’ve been boys ever since. Then we played Pacha [a club in New York]. Oh, my God, that was epic.

What an epic Brooklyn night!

Another interesting tidbit from the article: back in the day, when Ansel Elgort’s future career as an EDM master was but a thump in his adolescent groin, he almost made the ruinous decision to call himself DJ Hanzolo.

I was so bad. I called myself “Hanzolo,” but when I told a pal of mine at school, he was like, “Dude, that’s the stupidest name ever. You have to change that. Why don’t you just call yourself ‘Ansolo’?” And I was like, “Oh, word. That’s cooler.” Hanzolo just sounds stupid.

It does sound stupid! Hanzolo is a very stupid DJ name. Not as stupid as DJ Ansolo or the pal who suggested it, but that is what happens when you peak creatively during your senior year at LaGuardia High School of Music & Art.

Later in the interview, Elgort reminds us that he attended the Oscars. He also reminds us that he has poor personal hygiene and is a complete menace to society in general:

I was in L.A. for four days, and every day leading up to the ceremony I wore the same thing, and I smelled so bad. One day we went hiking in the mountains, and I got so dirty. The day of the Oscars, I go from looking like a slob to wearing a gorgeous Prada suit. It’s like living in two different worlds. But I don’t care. I was fine! I would just go down to the hotel pool in my underwear.

Every teen worth her salt knows about Ansel Elgort’s sexy, IDGAF attitude and outdoorsy spirit. I just hope he didn’t stink up that Prada suit with his masculine tang! I also hope that every pool manager in Los Angeles reads this issue of Teen Vogue and immediately enhances their security protocol.

Before I pass out, there’s one more thing:

You know, it might be a weird actor thing, but I think of myself as a few different people. Like, I think of myself as Ansel—that’s one person. And then I’m Ansel Elgort. That’s another person. And then I’m Ansolo.

So for Ansel, the best day of my life has been on the beach on Long Island with my family, totally chilling without a worry in the world. For Ansel Elgort, presenting at the Oscars was pretty sick. For Ansolo, I was so excited when Steve Angello, my favorite DJ, played my song ‘Totem’ for the first time. I started crying.

Ansel Elgort is not one person. He is also not two people. Ansel Elgort is three people. He is an actor, and a DJ, and a regular old rich kid with a famous dad and a beach house.