Hey, You: Bring Back The Handjob

There’s a certain point in a woman’s sexual history where she just decides — out of nowhere — that handjobs are just not part of the repertoire anymore. Please reconsider this decision.

You would rather just show off those finally honed blowjob skills or, you know, fuck and get it over with already so you can get some pleasure out of it, too, since that’s part of what makes dealing with a wang fun to begin with anyway. But, please, just because we’re all no longer 14-years-old doesn’t mean that getting dudes off with the hand should be completely eliminated. For reals. It’s rejuvenating. Pretend the penis is Ponce de León; your hand is the magic fountain. (As an aside: “Ponce de León” is actually a wonderful name for a cock. I was sticking with “Armand Assante” for years but I may consider switching. Digression.)

Most of the complaints I’ve heard from some of my female friends about “your weird handjob thing” are this:

* We can’t do it better than you: Wrong! You totally can. Nothing’s changed that drastically since the last time you gave one. Most men pube-groom themselves so much these days (because visually it adds length — like vertical stripes) that you won’t even get stray squigglies on your wrists. And just fumble around a bit until you find the right motion. It won’t take that long. Just grab some Jergens or spit on your palm and get crankin’.

* Men like blowjobs better: Sure. Most of the time, this is true. But this is a total throwback maneuver. Think of it this way: You know how that first cigarette tastes after a seven-hour plane ride? It totally puts you back to the days of hiding out behind the library and sneaking cigs. There’s something exhilarating about it. That’s the same way I feel about a new hand on my dick. And prolonged attention with just the hand totally makes me feel like I’m back in 5 p.m. detention get flogged by Bonnie Whatsherface behind the library cart.

* Too much clean-up: Oh, you can wipe it off on anything you want if everything is done correctly. Seriously — I’d use a Brioni suit as a jizz mop to clean off the ceiling.

* It’s totally lame and unsexy: You shut your mouth! Here’s my definitive proof courtesy of Robert Downey, Jr. and Heather Graham in “Two Girls And A Guy”:

Seriously — you’re telling me toy boats can’t sail in your pants after that? I’m gonna go shower RIGHT NOW.

Anyway, that’s my pitch. Please take it under advisement. I eagerly await your comments in that hellpit down below.