Oh, hell yes, fellow peasants: a motherfuckin rich-ass baby has graced the pages of The Daily Summer—a “haute beach season” “oversize glossy” which serves as the “uncontested fashion bible for the Hamptons set”—to tell us how he motherfuckin LIVES!
To just get right down to it: he lives like a rich baby. He’s got a gold AmEx and “just relaxes.” His nanny arranges his combs. Sounds tight as hell.
This rich baby, who is actually 10 years old, gives the interview anonymously in East Hampton, and the whole thing is magnificent. Here’s how it starts:
You’ve been weekending here your entire life.
It’s an escape from Manhattan. I’ve seen a lot.
A lot of HOT CELEBS, baby! Like:
Who is the most fascinating person you’ve ever met?
Jonathan Cheban. It was really, really cool. He was eating at 75 Main, and his security was there; there was a group of seven teenage girls who wanted his picture. He looks really different in person. My idol, though, is Scott Disick. He’s really cool. He’s the whole package. He has cars. Lots of them.
King Baby Dollars doesn’t mention his parents at all except to say that his mom pays his credit card bill—“I don’t even look at that. I’m too young for that”—and that he’s memorized her credit card number as well as his own. But he talks about his nanny a lot:
What are the responsibilities of your nanny?
When she picks me up, she has to bring my phone. Every day she has to charge my phone to 99 percent; I don’t want to overcharge it. She stays with me when my mom is away. I’m a little bit demanding and picky. I’m specific about my food. If the cherry has something in it, like a seed, I don’t want it. I like everything in order. My nanny is also the only person who can touch my gadgets, because she cleans up my room. She also organizes my colognes and combs.
Does everyone you know have a nanny?
They do. Some of my friends have a manny, but that’s not for me. That’s more for the sporty kids. I’m not into that.
How long do you get to keep your nanny for?
My mom has promised me that my nanny will be with me until I go to college. I’m not sure what happens to her then, but we don’t really talk about it. She started when I was 2. I had a few before her.
“I’m not sure what happens to her then, but we don’t really talk about it.” Sounds like Mother of Goldchild needs to have the old “One Day, Nanny’s Going to Go to the Great Farm Upstate Where She’ll Get to Roam With All the Other Middle-Class Women with Graduate Degrees in Child Development and Lots of Big Ulcers” talk with her son!
The whole interview is precious—heartwarming, really—and I suggest you read it in full, but in the meantime, I’ll just leave you with this:
What are your chores?
I don’t have any. I just relax. My nanny does everything. My friends don’t really have chores either.
Is that good or bad?
It’s great! You get an allowance and you can still relax. That’s a good thing, right?
Fuck yes it is. You’re killing it, you absolute monster. God bless.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via Warner Bros