Hero Bride Got an $80,000 Wedding By Goddamn Bartering

Unless you’re literally royalty or daddy’s a magnate, brides-to-be spend a lot of time deciding where to direct their limited dollars and scheming on ways to shave off every penny possible. But what if you could simply barter for the big day?

That’s how one California bride did it, according to ABC News. The price tag on Jessica and Isaac Piche’s wedding was $80,000—or it would have been, if they hadn’t bartered for practically everything besides a $1,000 venue fee. “She is a great negotiator,” said Isaac, in the understatement of the century. We’re not talking some stripped-down affair, either—they got a band, pre-wedding beauty treatments, tuxes and bridesmaid dresses, the whole shebang.

No doubt you want to know how you, too, can obtain a $80,000 wedding via bartering. How many bushels of wheat and cases of jam are we talking, here? Well, unfortunately for you, Young Abraham Lincoln, you’re going to need a skill that is genuinely useful to your wedding vendors. The Piches happen to run their own video production company, meaning they could offer all these businesses slickly produced commercials. Plus, it’ll take them a year to deliver it all, so it’s not like their event was free.

Those of us with little more than Internet ramblings to offer are probably shit out of luck. Sorry to disappoint.