Here's What Would Happen If Tim Burton Directed a Porno

Lots of whimsy, lots of flashbacks and, wait, which one is Helena Bonham Carter?

Nacho Punch, the team who dared answer the question of what would happen if Wes Anderson made a porno, have returned to answer another important question that none of us have ever dared to ask: What would happen if Tim Burton made porn? Could he ruin adult films as badly as he has ruined Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for anyone and everyone who ever had the misfortune of seeing it?

The answer is Yes. The answer is that any porno made by Tim Burton would be visually appealing but not sexy or fulfilling or ever a bit rewarding. And you know you’d always be afraid that the on-screen pleasure (very little of which is happening to begin with) could be interrupted at any moment with a frightening cut-away shot or dubbed with narration delivered by an old white man.

This also made me think about what would happen if Robert Altman had made pornos. It would just be a lot of uninspired moaning and then a shot of a potted plant off-center while people are arguing. I’d kind of be into that.