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Here Is the Perfect Dress for Your Third Husband's Funeral

Illustration for article titled Here Is the Perfect Dress for Your Third Husbands Funeral
Screenshot: Instagram (Other)

A mist rolls feral across the gorse-choked heath and a deep gloom has settled about the abbey. Following a short, mysterious, and dreadfully violent illness,  
your beloved viscount—distinguished and dashing if a bit advanced in years—has died just as suddenly as your last husband, and the one before that, and also his first wife. Oh why, vengeful, cruel God have you been born to suffer so? And also what will you wear to the funeral?

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Obviously, a first-time widow must adopt a certain virginity-adjacent sense of decorum and drape one’s body in black crepe to the ankles. And for that second internment of a just-as-briefly-yet-no-less-dearly beloved, the bereft must veil one’s tear-stained visage (Or perhaps it’s bone dry. Who could guess under all that heavy black lace?) But a third death perhaps invites a sort of grim levity in nod to the fact that you, so young and ravishing to be so oft tested by the bleak trials of sudden widowhood, are so cursed in love.

Susie Cave’s high fashion brand Vampire’s Wife in collaboration with H&M is everything a thrice bereaved viscountess would need to mourn old whatshisname, even if the estate remains in arrears and there isn’t as much cash at hand as one would hope. Not to mention that a Victorian neckline, batwing cape, and demure lace gloves with just a whisper of lower ass cheek are a timelessly tasteful means of announcing both one’s utter devastation and complete availability. The entire collection is available October 22 on H&M’s website and in select stores but will likely sell out in seconds, so you may have to kill for it. Not that such a thing has ever posed too great a problem before.

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DISCUSSION

nameiwillregret
IRegertNothing

I like it. It sends the message of “My husband is gone, but I’m ready to move on. Come get some”.

Melania can wear whatever the fuck she wants, because she’s not going to the funeral. You might catch her wearing a big floppy hat and aviators while she boards the flight to Europe. Damn, those carry on bags sure look heavy!