Mike Bloomberg, an oligarch, has poured truckloads of his roughly $61.5 billion fortune into cosplaying as a presidential candidate. According to estimates released this week, Bloomberg has spent somewhere around $300 million in ads, $3.3 million in polling, $300,000 and up salaries for senior advisers, and $750,000 in travel costs. That’s a lot of fucking money!
For some perspective: $304.35 million is only one-two hundredth of Mike Bloomberg’s immense fortune. Comparably, his self-funded presidential blow-out is the equivalent of me walking to my local deli and buying a five extra-large sugar free Red Bulls for about $20. I don’t need five extra-large sugar free Redbulls, obviously, just like Mike Bloomberg doesn’t need be president. But there is no better indicator of an incalculably rich oligarch than buying useless shit you definitely do not need!
To illustrate just how much money $310 million is (I’m rounding up), I’ve compiled a helpful list below of all the ways this man could spend this money, were he not shoe-horning himself into the most dire presidential race in American history.
$28 million: Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli’s Bel Air Mansion
Aunt Becky recently listed her Bel Air estate with Mossimo Giannulli (of the Target Mossimos) for $28 million dollars. As previously reported, the manse features plenty of walk in closets, a pool, a detached garage, and a complementary golf course view. It’s also a great place to hide out as the impending class war looms! Plus, there is nothing old, rich New York politicians like Bloomberg love more than golfing. (And open-air pools, considering you probably don’t get many of those in lofty, New York high rises.)
Total budget after purchase: $282 million
$3.5 million: 100 Chrysler Pacifica Minivans
When you are rich, safety is probably a major concern. And with the economy headed towards another collapse, no thanks to people like Mike Bloomberg and his incredibly rich friends, banks are probably untrustworthy places to stash your millions and millions of under-taxed profits. My solution? 100 Chrysler Pacifica minivans, which Bloomberg could use as mobile ATMs. (If your cash is always on the move, then it is much harder to steal!) They’re also relatively cheap, unassuming, and surprisingly gas-efficient.
Total budget after purchase: $278.5 million
$70 million: Two Used Gulfstream G450 Private Planes
When you have as much money as Bloomberg does to throw around on a presidential campaign, you never know when the tides of the proletariat will shift, and you’ll need to quickly flee your brand new Bel Air mansion with the hidden fortune you stashed away in all those Chrysler Pacificas. But considering you are rich enough to casually buy both of those things, you are also rich enough to detest sharing your private plane, even with your beloved stacks of $100 bills. That’s why someone might desire not one, but two private planes. They can take one, and the money can take the other!
Total budget after purchase: $208.5 million
$30 million: 1000 Rolex Daytona Watches
When someone flees the country to their preferred tax haven—complete with its own set of non-extradition clauses—said person might reasonably expect to need some bribe-worthy goods for when those pesky investigators and paparazzos come rolling through. This is where a Rolex Daytona might come in handy. Let’s get a bundle of 1000, procured for around $30,000 each.
Total budget after purchase: $178.5 million
$50 million: 10 M1 Abrams Tanks:
A swarm of people walking around with Rolex watches might tip off those pesky revolutionaries to your location. My suggestion? A whole bunch of tanks. Estimates for the M1 tank, which was in production during the late ‘90s and early 2000s, were about $5 million dollars. Considering they are now 20 years old, you might be able to secure some for cheap! Plus, there’s nothing cooler than driving around your fleet of big ol’ tanks when you get bored.
Total budget after purchase: $120.5 million
$36 million: This Luxury Yacht
Fraser Yachts currently lists the B.More at $36 million, which is slightly less than I was expecting for something that comes with a jacuzzi, 10 bedrooms, and multiple massive decks. And considering international waters is the perfect place to flee when the local government rises up against your tyrannical, pseudo-imperialist Rolex watch and tank reign, I can’t imagine a better vessel than this super yacht. (Question: what qualifies as a “super yacht,” which is how Fraser describes this boat? Is there a specific price point?)
Total budget after purchase: $84.5 million
$262,000: 100,000 cans of Spam
When you’re on the high seas, food can become an issue. Sure, you can fish—but you’re rich! Your hands are too delicate to wrestle with some tuna. Instead, Spam is a much more cost-efficient option to get your preferred nutrients. Plus, they come in a can! The longevity here is unbeatable.
Total budget after purchase: $83,973,899
$16,000: 1000 boxes of 40 pack Capri-Suns
Unfortunately, one cannot survive on the nutrients provided by Spam, so I suggest some Capri-Suns, which are allegedly made with fruit-like flavors. I’m sure that’s enough Vitamin C to ward off scurvy, or at least to dull the taste of Spam in your mouth!
Total budget after purchase: $83,957,899
$27 million: A Vermeer painting
Considering that a monthlong sea excursion after fleeing your hidden bunker on a remote non-extraditable tax haven would deplete your cash reserves, its at this point I’d suggest liquidating the 500 remaining Rolex watches, and use that cash to purchase a Vermeer paining. One recently sold for only $27 million, this is easily accomplished. Not to mention, it’s much easier to stash a Vermeer than 500 Rolexes.
Total budget after liquidation and purchase: $71,957,899
$6,499,285: Motu Moie Private Island
Located in French Polynesia, this is the perfect secluded getaway for anyone looking to spend out the rest of their days in hiding. It also comes with a pre-built home, to save on construction costs!
Total budget after purchase: $65,458,614
$18 million: 10 private military contract security officers with 20 year contracts
One cannot just buy a private island without also staffing it with their own private militia, especially as global sentiments turn against the extremely wealthy! (Who else will protect an ogliarch on the run from revolutionaries when Tahitians reclaim the island.)
Total budget after purchase: $47,458,614
$47,458,614: One Ticket to Mars and Space X Stock
When climate change rendered by your oligarch friends render the ocean too acidic, and Tahiti too hot and tempestuous to comfortably live in, I’d recommend Bloomberg book himself a flight on Elon Musk’s Space X shuttle to Mars, which he claims will eventually cost less than $500,000.
This is perfect, as Bloomberg could easily spend your remaining $46,900,000 on stock in the company, which might guarantee him a particularly comfortable pad in the bio-sphere. At least he’ll be surrounded by like-minded people who would rather escape Earth than use their money to save it!
Total budget after purchase: Money won’t matter in the Space X colony. Space scrip, which Musk will certainly employ, is currently not estimable.