If there's one thing that hasn't yet been advertised on late-night television, it's a cream that will shrink your vagina into a tiny nothing that not even an ant could get through. A cream that works miracles to turn even the biggest sleeve of wizard into an impenetrable fortress of solitude. Now that's changed.
Put aside for a moment the fact that the gross "18 Again" shrinking cream is meant to make your partner feel like a teen again — and reinforces the idea that tight is somehow right and must be forever — and marvel at the fact that we, as a species, have come so far that a cream like this even exists. Only a few years ago, I was at a Good Vibrations, being mercilessly harangued about how The Wedge was going to change my sex life (uh, just use a pillow) and how an Aneros would be the perfect thing to increase both my sexual fervor and prostate health (true, though) and now here we are, living in a time when anyone can log on to Amazon and buy a cream that promises to make your genitals feel like they've never been used. It's just too bad that it doesn't seem to work.
The Daily Dot has a veritable buttload of user reviews and, unfortunately, many of them are all too real and all too unpleasant: sad stories of people who bought the cream in an effort to rejuvenate their pousseys only to find that the $10.34 they spent on the product could have been used better elsewhere on, well, basically anything.
"Don't Waist Your Cash" implores one reviewer who had to go back to doing things the natural way when the product failed. "do kegel its free and Maybe works. this product actually made me feel worse. I did not even finish the bottle.i threw it away."
"No good," chides another user who expected the cream to have fantastic results, but should have guessed it was all a beautiful lie from the beginning. They weren't going to be 18 again; they would never be 18 again. "I should have known that this stuff was bogus due to the huge container it comes in.... i found that like-a-virgin by pure passion works better." (I have to stop for a moment here and wonder what the hell the container has to do with anything. This feels like a real review, but was the buyer expecting that the cream, if it was effective, would have also shrunk the bottle? I wish I could contact them and ask.)
Not all reviews were negative, however.
"IT WAS OK," wrote user Pen Name before adding a caveat: "I LIKED THE PRODUCT REALLY GOOD BUT THE ONLY THING I DIDNT LIKE WAS THE FACT THAT IT LEFT A WEIRD ORDOR AFTER. BESIDES THAT I LOVED IT"
And one person actually left a really thorough, if painfully written,
I bought this a couple of months ago figured its about time i write a review.ive always used China shrink cream but decided I'd give this stuff a shoot instead.ok so the good things about 18 again is that it has no smell and it actually treats pretty good.it has a fruity taste to it which was a relief because most tightening creams taste awful.so if you plan on having your lover go down on you while using this stuff its a okay! On the negative note if you are naturally very wet down there it takes quite a bit for it to work and there is not allot in the tube.but it also doesn't dry you up as much as China shrink cream does.unfortunately i will not be purchasing thus again because of the fact it takes so much for it to actually work.if you are not like me and don't get that wet then this stuff its amazing but me not so which its quite sad because i love the tast.o and i also love the after affect it less on your vagina.i used it 4 times and my vagina feels more healthy and soft and this stiff doesn't have the sand paper feel to it either definitely recommend this stuff its just not for me
Fruity taste and no sand paper feeling? I might need to buy some for myself. Actually, I probably have and not noticed it. The first time I went into a sex store I was so nervous that I just grabbed some creams without looking, purchased them with birthday money I got from my 16th birthday and then went outside and hyperventilated, afraid that someone had called the police and that I was going to jail for entering such a store underage. And then I felt so guilty I threw everything away. And then I went home and repressed myself some more. You know what? I am going to get some of this shit. It might be a corrective emotional experience.
Amazon also suggests you buy this bejeweled buttplug. Probably so it can sell you an anal tightening cream next.
Image via Amazon