Here Are a Mere Few of the Best Vines: A Eulogy to Vine

By Joanna Rothkopf  |  October 27, 2016 | 6:25pm
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I am inconsolable. My body is wrapped around the base of the toilet in my office’s handicapped bathroom stall heaving and shaking. What do you do when you’ve lost your best friend?

On Thursday, Vine announced via Medium that the mobile app would be discontinued in the coming months, effectively drawing-and-quartering my heart and leaving its bloody pieces all over the internet’s floor.

“Nothing is happening to the apps, website or your Vines today,” the release reads, as if it’s any consolation. “We value you, your Vines, and are going to do this the right way. You’ll be able to access and download your Vines. We’ll be keeping the website online because we think it’s important to still be able to watch all the incredible Vines that have been made.”

Just shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!!!! (I’m sobbing.) What are we supposed to do when we smoke or need an under-eight-second laugh now? Look at Twitter? Are You Fucking Stupid????????

Had Vine never existed, the loss to culture and my personal quality of life would have been immeasurable. We never would have gotten a number of hateful teenage Vine-lebrities, but also a number of them that would slowly weasel their way into America’s hearts, like Hayes Grier, a teenage heartthrob and one-time Dancing With the Stars participant.

We never would have known answers to the questions: Who is she? Why the fuck you lying? And what are those?

We wouldn’t have any of these articles:

Without Vine, Deadspin’s Samer Kalaf might never have talked to me.

So, knowing that the loss we’re experiencing is monumental and, for now, incomprehensible, and that there is nothing we can do to soothe the ache of its absence, here are a few (only a few) of the best Vines of all time (I won’t include any of the Vines in the above compilations for space saving).

Rest in peace. You were too good for us.

 
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