Of all the public transportation hubs in the beautiful city of New York, Penn Station was by far the worst. Port Authority is bad, but has its own itinerant charms; Grand Central is beautiful and I am intimately familiar with its inner-workings, which means travel anxiety does not kick in when I have to hop on the Metro North to go wherever. Penn Station, on the other hand, used to be a mess—but its recent quarantine glow-up means that it is no longer. Also on the books for the renovation of Penn Station’s area is a giant tower that looks and sounds very familiar.
According to The City, embattled sex pest Andrew Cuomo is pushing for the development of a tall tower that will “re-shape Manhattan’s skyline.” This project has been in the works for years and will arguably influence Cuomo’s legacy for the good, which is something he desperately wants and needs, as he is embroiled in a few imbroglios that will likely tarnish his sterling reputation. I have no real opinion about what does or doesn’t happen to Midtown, a part of the city I call home that I visit only when I have to, but I am wondering if Papa Mozzarella or any of his cohorts have taken two to five minutes to think about the proposed name of this tower. You see, they want to call it PENN 15.
Think about that. PENN 15 is PENNIS. PENIS. Are they really trying to call this big ol’ metal dick by its name? Lest I stand accused of seeing a dick where there is none, I would like to present another rendering of the penis next to New York’s other penis, the Empire State building.
There’s the big dick now, rising chunky and proud and ERECT, piercing the beleaguered New York City skyline with its rectangular shaft. Notice how the other dick in the picture, the Empire State building, pales in comparison to the heft, girth, and might of the proposed new dick, who thrusts with pride towards the heavens.
Tall buildings are impressive; when you stand at the foot of a very tall building and look up so far that your head feels like it will fall off your neck stem, it is awe-inspiring and a little scary. When I visited Taipei 101, a very tall building in the Xinyi district, I felt nervous just looking up to the sky to see where the thing ended. Eventually, my family and I took a little trip to the top and marveled at the city at night. We were very high up—too high, in my opinion—but I understand the feeling of power associated with big buildings that are too tall for no reason. Surprisingly, I did not feel like Taipei 101 resembled a dick in any fashion, but that’s mostly because it is named for the city that it’s in and the number of floors it contains. PENN 15 could’ve very easily avoided its fate by calling itself anything other than a typo for a secret code on a calculator or whatever that, when executed properly, spells PENIS.