He Wasn't Ghosting You... He Just Went With the Rapture

That’s where he went / Image via Getty
That’s where he went / Image via Getty

In the midst of our daily blogging and collective screaming, the Jezebel staff recently got to talking about the rapture. When would it come for us? What would it feel like?


My colleague, Kelly Faircloth, offered an interesting possibility. “What if the rapture already happened and they only scooped up like six people,” she said.

Yes... what if the rapture did already happen? And what if the rapture totally took that guy who you thought ghosted you?

Everyone knows somebody who’s been ghosted. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s your cousin’s friend’s college roommate. Maybe it’s Sean Penn! If not, there are about a thousand think pieces and trend pieces for you to read on the phenomenon, where someone you went on a date with just sort of... trails off. They stop texting you or answering your calls. Suddenly, they stop liking your Instagram posts. They quietly soft block you on social media. They seem to evaporate, without a goodbye, maybe even without a trace. It’s the coward’s way of breaking up.

“Man, was I ghosted?” you might think. It’s a normal thing to ask yourself! But let me say to you now, you’re better than that. And frankly there’s a much better explanation for why Josh/Chad/Michael/Alex/etc. won’t *quivers with rage* fucking answer your text messages even after you went on six dates with the man and made plans with him to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve.

I’ll tell you what happened: your man went with the Rapture.

He just did. It’s the only way to explain it.

One day he was just organizing his favorite Father John Misty songs into a Spotify playlist or playing Ultimate Frisbee (or something) and his entire body began to tingle. Suddenly, his form was engulfed with a flash of bright, glittery light. A feeling of serenity and lightness came over him. In his ear, an angel giggled. His body wrenched upwards, breaking through the ceiling of his apartment as he ascended into the heavens. And now he gets to bask in Jesus’s heavenly glow forever and sleep on a cloud.


I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking that you’d remember if the Rapture happened. But it’s supposed to be super quick. As Paul says in Corinthians 15:15-52, “we shall all be changed, In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.” We’re living in the end of times right now anyway, so the Rapture should be happening any minute, and I really wouldn’t be surprised if it already did and we missed it. And honestly, isn’t that a much better alternative than being ghosted on? Because it means that Josh/Chad/Michael/Alex/etc. was a chosen one. He was a real believer.

Does this mean that you’re going to hell? Probably. But you can rest easy knowing that man did not ghost you!


Aimée Lutkin

Hmm. The person I’m thinking of doesn’t deserve to go to heaven.