International pop star, glitter makeup guru, teen accessories entrepreneur, and living legend JoJo Siwa turns 17 today. Her power, with each passing year, grows only vaster and more unfathomable. Happy birthday, JoJo! You’re the master of the universe now.
It wasn’t always like this. Once a television breakout on Dance Moms, Siwa swiftly launched herself from the stepstool provided to her by Abby Lee Miller. In the following years, she mounted an all-out blitz on YouTube, the Claire’s accessories wall, and the hearts and minds of children across the universe. Now, in her wake, surfaces turn to glitter and gold, and otherwise average people find themselves swaddled in bedazzled rainbows and sequinned hair bows. Even the sight of her tricked-out Tesla reduces passersby to screaming and gnashing of teeth.
But things are changing again, as swiftly as they once did when we woke up and found our world blanketed with JoJo Siwa merchandise. As her empire expands, so too do Siwa’s own desires. She’s only a teen, after all. She can’t be master of the universe at all times. (Clearly, she’s learned from the burnouts of predecessors.) Recently, via TikTok, she signaled the shape of things to come in her kingdom.
It’s hard to imagine returning to a world where the local landfill wasn’t filled to bursting with her asbestos-laden makeup. But I am also not as powerful as she, so I cannot expect to understand the plans she has in store for us. So today we will celebrate her birthday instead, as is decreed, and wait patiently as she molds this world to her liking. Happy Birthday, JoJo, from all of your loyal subjects here at Jezebel!
Ryan Seacrest did not have a stroke. If you ask if Ryan Seacrest had a stroke, he will say no. If you ask ABC if Ryan Seacrest had a stroke while filming the American Idol finale this weekend, where he appeared ready to collapse, the network will also tell you no. Even Kelly Ripa will tell you no, if it’s mentioned on Live With Kelly and Ryan. In case the message wasn’t already clear: Ryan Seacrest is fine. Everyone says so!
Us Weekly can confirm, exclusively, that Ryan Seacrest is tired. He is really, really, tired.
In a statement obtained by People, reps for Seacrest claimed he “did not have any kind of stroke last night.” They continued: “Like many people right now, Ryan is adjusting to the new normal and finding work-home balance, with the added stress of having to put on live shows from home.” They then go on to list his many, many jobs, in case the point wasn’t clear enough: Live With Kelly and Ryan, American Idol, On Air With Ryan Seacrest, and the Disney Family Singalong specials. We get it! You have a contract with the Disney-ABC Television Group! [Us Weekly]
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