Gwyneth Paltrow's Pussy (Candle) Goes Boom

Illustration for article titled Gwyneth Paltrow's Pussy (Candle) Goes Boom
Image: Rachel Murray (Getty Images)

Some might argue that it’s human error that causes most candle-related injuries or near mishaps, like the times I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa with a candle burning or that one time I left my apartment with a candle still aflicker on the bookshelf. These incidents were preventable; I am a dumbass and should probably work on that. Sometimes, a candle fights back. It exacts revenge. Here is one woman’s story.

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According to the Sun, a 50-year-old British woman named Jody Thompson won Gwyneth Paltrow’s pussy candle, This Smells Like My Vagina, in some sort of online quiz. Congrats to Thomspon, who maybe didn’t ever want to know what Gwyneth’s vag smells like, even if just in concept, for she had the privilege without having to pay $75 for it. Many jokes were made about the scent of Gwyneth’s vagina, now captured in candle form, lots of people had things to say about why this candle should or should not exist. Surely Gwyneth anticipated blowback in and around the candle, understanding innately that the audacity of 1) naming a candle after her kitty and 2) having said candle’s scent be “geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed” is quite presumptuous about what her undercarriage actually smells like. I’ve watched enough TikToks on “punani juice” to understand that there are people out there who would rather their downstairs smell and taste like fruit punch, but I feel confident in saying that even though Gwyneth Paltrow is enormously wealthy, I’m willing to bet that her odor just smells like a vagina, period.

Anyway, the candle had quite enough of being the subject of derision on the internet and elsewhere for an entire year, and clapped back the way only a candle can: by exploding in an innocent woman’s home.

Here’s Thompson’s harrowing account:

“The candle exploded and emitted huge flames, with bits flying everywhere.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. The whole thing was ablaze and it was too hot to touch. There was an inferno in the room.”

Jody who lives with partner David Snow in Kilburn, North London, said: “We eventually got it under control and threw it out the front door.”

I am glad that they figured it out! “It could have burned the place down,” Thompson continued. “It was scary at the time, but funny looking back that Gwyneth’s vagina candle exploded in my living room.” Yes, it is funny that Gywneth’s vagina exploded in this woman’s living room, and I’m sorry for all the glass she probably had to clean up after the fact? However, use this small laugh of a tale as a word of caution: candles explode! All the time! Like a Gremlin, they do not like being wet, and if water gets in contact with the candle wax, something science-adjacent occurs, and then BOOM goes the Bath and Body Works Pineapple Pancakes three-wick candle you stood in line to get during their candle sale. It happened to Gwyneth’s vagina (candle). It could happen to you.

Senior Writer, Jezebel

DISCUSSION

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IRegertNothing

So did she get water on it? If that’s what happened, then Ben Shapiro was right to warn us about the dangers of WAP.