Guided Tours: The House Where Jennifer Aniston Cries Herself To Sleep

March’s Architectural Digest offers an exclusive look inside the home Jennifer Aniston and designer Stephen Shadley worked on for 2½ years. The captions are not nearly tabloid-y enough, so our misguided “contributor,” Tiara Dew Dots, rewrote them.

In all honesty, the Bali-inspired house is gorgeous. Much of the wood was not cut, but harvested from fallen trees. It’s perfect for parties, and Aniston tells the mag: “I entertain for a living, and I entertain.” People gather at her house often, and she always finds herself in the kitchen. But body-language “expert” and tabloid enthusiast Tiara Dew Dots knows better: Jen’s house is a cocoon of despair!

TDD: Here is where poor lonely desperate Jen cries herself to sleep every night. Oh, it looks like a dreamy, Zen-inspired refuge, but trust me: Those pillows are stained with tears.

TDD: Each one of these empty seats represents a relationship failure.

Beg your pardon, Ms. Dew Dots… But why does Jen look so… happy? She is literally kicking up her heels with joy!

TDD: Please. That is the yoga pose known as the Scissor of Sadness.

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