Full disclosure: I love GQ. It is one of my favorite magazines, and I've had a subscription forever. However, sometimes even my favorite eternal frat boys fail. Enter Broncos receiver Eric Decker's photo spread with his pregnant wife, singer Jessie James in January's issue. I don't think these poses could be more awkward if Miley Cyrus was twerking in the background for no reason.
In the above opening GQ image, a topless Decker is lying on his back in a bed and James is on all fours, hovering over him while sporting granny panties and a bared midriff/bump. Isn't she the one who's pregnant? He couldn't be on top for a few months? Also, her right leg looks like it is actually Decker's arm and he's, er, stroking her vagina for the camera. No, thanks bros.
Why? That is all this photo makes me think. Decker is literally lifting a kettle bell dangerously close to James' protruded and exposed pregnant baby belly. One swift gust of wind and their future is literally lost! Who thought this was OK? Seriously. I am worried and looking for my phone to alert the authorities. And why is Jessie wrapped around her husband's right leg in her underwear? Does she not want him to exercise? Who works out in jeans? I don't understand.
Someone said Jessie looks like she's going to cry here ... probably because of the porn-ish "oh" face she's making in the next photo and her swollen feet are fighting back against those Louboutin's. I really don't understand why GQ is going above and beyond to perpetuate an everlasting trend I hate where, in photos, the man is completely clothed while the woman is nearly nude. Not even on the verge of motherhood can a girl get a cotton tee? If not then, when?!
There's that 'oh' face I mentioned. Come on, GQ bros! Come on! The trophy, her hand on his arm, the football practice dummy they're cuddling, the semi-back shot set-up ... just ... what ... why ... ?
This photo, and another of Jessie in a bathtub covered by bubbles and Eric showing off his guns beside the tub, are the only ones that make sense from this group. Why this one, you ask? Well, besides that weird looking dog, who can resist what appears to be cake batter or cookie dough? I know I can't, that stuff is sugary and delicious.
I would say that I'd like to see the outtakes, but I'm afraid. Still, I'm going to give my GQ bros the benefit of the doubt. This concept was probably born when a progressive editor said, 'Hey, let's depict women in all of their forms as sexy, including pregnancy!' Except the end result came off like cheesy, pregger porn. (Hey, someone's into it out there in this crazy world.) Do better bros, please.
images via GQ/Ben Watts