Government Will Stay Closed For As Long As It Takes to Eradicate Sluts

Now that the government shutdown is in what feels like it elevendieth week, everything seems too stupid to be real, and here’s a perfect example of why: the GOP’s continued insistence that the United States government remain in stinky, stale deadlock until liberals agree to allow business owners to bar the sluts who work for them from using their benefits to buy birth control. Seriously.

According to Tim Murphy at Mother Jones, conservative House members are still harping on a “compromise” that allows them to impose their whackadoodle beliefs on Americans who are not white, male land owners. Writes Murphy,

…several Republican legislators said there was another provision they wanted included in the legislation: a so-called “conscience clause” that would exempt religious organizations from having to provide access to birth control as part of the health care plans they offer employees. This idea has been on the Republican wish list for years, and with Washington in full-on crisis mode, GOPers are looking to exploit current circumstances to win this long-running fight.

“There are a lot of people, and I’m one of those, who are really pushing for a conscience clause to be included,” said Rep. Chris Stewart (R-Utah), a former consultant and End-Times novelist who was elected last fall. “They want to have some principle that they could go home and say, ‘we fought for this, and we got this.'”

Anyone else think the flaccid, fading geezers of the House GOP are just constantly drunk? There’s no other explanation. It must smell like a coffin made out of a frat house in the Capitol.

I admit that for the last few days, all news about this guy making this deal and this lady doing a press conference on that thingamajobby has, to be perfectly frank, started to read in my head like the voice of adults in Charlie Brown. It’s not that I don’t want to pay attention or that I don’t think I should; it’s just my bullshit receptacles are full. But this is the sort of thing that warrants attention; these are real human beings living in the year 2013 who are opening meetings by singing fucking Amazing Grace like Coen brothers simpletons. They’re in charge. And they’re so preoccupied with women having sex without consequences that they’re willing to burn America down to prevent it.