Gordon Ramsay Talking Dirty Does Things to My Uterus–Is That Weird?

I’ve always had a soft spot for Gordon Ramsay—ever since the days when he used to take his shirt off for no reason in literally every episode of the UK Kitchen Nightmares, because everyone deserves to see the nipples of the person preparing their food.

He’s just so competent, you know? I really love it when people are good at their jobs. Also, he routinely sticks up for servers and low-wage kitchen employees to their seemingly psychopathic bosses! (Things I do not like: possibly screaming racial abuse at Marcus Samulesson, for whom I ALSO have intrauterine feelings. Also, possibly not paying his employees at one L.A. restaurant. Boo.)

ANYWAY. HOWEVER. FOR NOW.

This video of Gordon Ramsay describing sexy intercourse—”I’m going to give you some pointers for the big night—”is kind of a life-changer. It’s old (from 2011), but BuzzFeed resurrected it this week, and it ignited some discussion among the Jezebel staff. Is it “weird” to have a crush on Gordon Ramsay? (Psh, whatever. MADELEINE DAVIES AND I ARE HOLDING STRONG.)

Here are a few of my favorite Gordon tips:

“She’s ready for up-and-down motion.”

“Do not be scared about the bottom.”

“It feels and sounds a little bit weird.”

“Now the secret now is to make sure that we definitely don’t go for a pee.”

“Don’t touch your face, especially your eyes.”

“It smells like a fish. It’s strong and slightly sour, but it’s creamy. And it’s packed with fucking grease.”

Bon appetit!