Goop Takes to the High Seas

Illustration for article titled Goop Takes to the High Seas
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a multi-thousand-dollar wellness vacation cruise sponsored by Gwyneth Paltrow! According to Page Six, the Goop CEO has partnered with the Celebrity Apex cruise line for a multi-day experience on the Mediterranean Sea departing from Barcelona on August 26, and making stops in Spain, France and the Italian Rivera. The journey ends on September 2.

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In addition to the cruise, which will set luxury wellness junkies back a cool $4,049 per suite, there’s a special day-long event on August 30. It costs an additional $750. Details have yet to be revealed, but USA Today reports that the day-event is “inspired by the company’s ‘In Goop Health’ summits,” so I assume it’s just a scammy conference. “With goop at Sea, we’ll be invoking that adventurous spirit with a series of transformative experiences led by a few of our most-trusted wellness practitioners and healers,” Paltrow wrote in an announcement. “I love being on the water, I love being by the water and I love being in the water.”

Great. But what, pray tell, could a Goop cruise even entail? Like, it’s nice of them to sell tickets without any real details, but what are her loyal minions shelling out for? Here are some ideas.

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  • Experimental vaginal steaming, but it’s underwater.
  • Complimentary, open-bar, sober-curious meals.
  • Scuba diving, but the air tank is laced with CBD.
  • Yoni eggs made of precious gold doubloons excavated from sunken pirates ships along the Med.
  • A diffuser in each suite made of recycled Tarot cards and crushed sand crystals from Croatian beaches.
  • Instead of the three prolonged horn blasts often emitted by a cruise ship when departing, the sound of a woman having an orgasm will broadcast for all to hear.

All aboard.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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suffersfoolsgladly
Suffersfoolsgladly

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