Goodbye to Hot Duck, Hello to Chill Duck

The hot duck has dominated the news cycle for far too long. Though his colorful down is undeniably alluring, he is too aware of his own hotness, much like how the boy who returned from summer camp hot turned into an ass once he understood his new power.

Hot duck is not ready to commit. Hot duck wants to play the field in perpetuity, flitting from pond to pond until one day his feathers and charm fade and the young ducklettes with whom he once shacked up no longer give him pleasure.

Enter, then, chill duck, who is better than hot duck in every possible way. Chill duck is not nearly as colorful, but the beauty is in the details: his pristine fur, his agile neck, the way he cocks his head ever so slightly when he is pet. Chill duck is not afraid of intimacy. Chill duck will not run away when you decide to love him. Chill duck is British. Chill duck is mine.