During my tenure as a Jezebel writer, I have, perhaps unfairly, been labeled as anti-wedding simply because I am anti-wedding crashing, come down hard on the necessity of an open bar over rented Instagramable cornhole, and am outspokenly pro-dog wedding. However, there is one wedding option I approve of, across the board, for all humans looking to celebrate their love with a binding contract. That option is going to Hell.
This Leap Day, February 29, the town of Hell, Michigan, population 70, will marry 29 couples at 2:29 p.m. free of charge. As officiant Rev. Yvonne Williams, who will perform the ceremony, told the Detroit Free Press, “When you get married in Hell, there’s nowhere for your marriage to go but up.”
This statement may or may not be true; in fact, statistics indicate there is a very strong chance it is not. But on the bright side, there is a much higher chance that Hell, Michigan will be frozen over for the lucky couples solemnly consenting to rigid, legal bonds beneath its foreboding iron gates.
Interested couples are encouraged to text Rev. Williams, and while it is unclear how the couples will be chosen, I personally believe applicants who meet any of the following requirements should be given preference:
- One or more parties answered, “I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed upon to marry,” to the first proposal.
- One of the betrothed is a down-on-their-luck actor and the other is an ingenue very well-suited to a pixie cut, and they are marrying before moving into an improbably spacious Upper West Side apartment building, which would be perfect if not for the addition of nosy elderly neighbors who seem overly preoccupied with the waif-like blonde’s fertility.
- The bride is a corpse.
And finally, I must strongly encourage all successful applicants to both include “See you in hell” as an RSVP option and to please invite me.