Glee: Virgins, Roofies, & Thwarted Lesbian Threesomes

Last night on Glee, two favorite couples dated for about 15 minutes, then were painfully torn asunder to drag out their storylines for the rest of the season. Also: A Jessica Simpson fatty joke and the requisite singing and dancing.

First, an admission: I’ve only seen a smattering of episodes from the first half of the season, and the last episode was not one of them. Still, it was clear that the beginning of last night’s episode was about unraveling whatever resolutions were reached before the show went on hiatus.

The kids’ theory that they’d finally earned the respect of their fellow students by winning sectionals is quickly laid to rest with a slushee to the face, then Mr. Schuester announces that the club’s fate is still riding on their performance at regionals. Sue Sylvester gets herself off suspension by slipping Principal Figgins a date rape drug and blackmailing him with photos of the two of them in bed. Finn and Rachel are dating, but as he explains in voice over, their relationship is threatened by her acting like an overbearing psycho and him being a dumb teenage boy.

For a show about acceptance and whatnot, there are some oddly insensitive jokes in this episode. The basketball coach “pulls a Jessica Simpson,” which apparently means “lost his fiance, gained 40 pounds and stopped showering.” Haha — Jessica got divorced in 2005 and isn’t a size 2 anymore. Hilarious! Then there’s a Hurricane Katrina joke that’s pretty tasteless even for Sue.

Finn’s confusion about his various romantic prospects is, like most things, more entertaining when expressed in song. Mr. Schuester tells the kids to come up with “Hello” songs for glee club, setting up this awkward transition into “Hello, I Love You” by the Doors. Sue sends her two cheerleader minions on a mission to sabotage Finn and Rachel’s relationship, and when they tempt him with the promise of lesbian shenanigans he agrees to go on a date with them behind Rachel’s back.

Nothing comes of this but an awkward dinner date and an amusing factoid from Brittany that “dolphins are just gay sharks,” but Finn and Rachel remain broken up. Conveniently after the next commercial break, Rachel finds a new romantic prospect: Jesse St. James, the lead singer of competing glee club Vocal Adrenaline (not to be confused with Jessie St. James, who is “an American pornographic actress who was one of the biggest stars of the ‘Golden Age of Porn'” according to Wikipedia).

Jesse is played by Jonathan Groff, who co-starred with Lea Michele in Spring Awakening on Broadway. His portrayal of the world-weary high school asshole is pretty amazing. Is it possible the kid with alcoholic parents from Strangers With Candy was his inspiration?

Several minutes after meeting, Rachel and Jesse break into a duet of Lionel Richie’s “Hello.” I was going to make a joke about how weird it is that there’s a piano in the middle of the library, but then they were joined mid-song by a cellist, a violinist, and a drummer. That piano is the least weird thing about McKinley High.

On the Will and Emma front, they have a dinner date chez Schuester and in a sweet scene will sings Neil Diamond’s “Hello Again” and they kiss. Emma stops him and makes a not-so-shocking revelation about her sexual history, or lack thereof. Later the cuteness of this scene is erased by Terri telling Emma the song was actually her and Will’s Junior Prom song. Then for no apparent reason, Will makes out with Shelby Corcoran (guest star Idina Menzel), the director of Vocal Adrenaline, minutes after meeting her.

Meanwhile, the New Directions have gotten wind of Rachel’s romance with Jesse and in a real dick move for fellow outcasts, they tell her to break it off with him or they’ll kick her out of the group. Rachel decides to continue dating Jesse secretly, but it seems he’s only with her because Idina Menzel wants him to spy on New Directions. So to recap, both of Rachel’s relationships are being sabotaged by adult women who teach children. Creepy.

Emma and Will decide they need to sort out their issues before they date. Finn tries to reunite with Rachel, and she turns him down. But, their relationship definitely isn’t over, since he declares, “I’m not just some guy I met at the music store that you can just blow off. I don’t give up that easy.” (Were Jesse and Rachel supposed to be in a music store? Either way, it still doesn’t explain the cellist.)

We conclude with a particularly angsty rendition of “Hello Goodbye” from Lea Michele, and a preview of Sue’s shot-for-shot remake of the “Vogue” video from next week’s Madonna episode.

Earlier: Glee Retouchers Forget To Take Wrinkles Out Of Jane Lynch’s Reflection In “Vogue” Video