You know who deserves a Tiffany’s trophy more than the sports ball players who overtook some other men at that game yesterday? Lindsay Lohan.
If she wasn’t in her hype era already (in my heart, LiLo knows no flop eras), the 35-year-old actor has officially kickstarted her mainstream comeback with a Super Bowl commercial that had me up until 1am thinking about how greatly my quality of life would’ve increased had the entertainment industry opened its floodgates for her years ago.
“What’s gotten into Lindsay?” narrator William Shatner wonders, as she’s pictured working out in the Planet Fitness ad. Lindsay “she’s never been sharper” Lohan then beats Dennis Rodman at a game of Jeopardy!, gets a good night’s sleep leaving her former pap besties at the nightclub bored to death, and turns her “DUIs to DIYs” by putting rhinestones on ankle monitors.
Lohan’s self-referential wink at her own former druggie booze cruise persona, as labeled by hyper-critical talking heads, is just the latest in a string of former club rat revivals. Early aughts it girls like Britney Spears and Megan Fox have only recently begun receiving half-assed apologies from some of the media’s biggest figureheads. Looks like the latter are finally reckoning with their hand in demonizing and sexualizing demi-angels like Lohan who were simply struggling to cope with the absurdity of fame and psycho dad-agers.
Who’s laughing now, bitch? Paris Hilton got married and has a cooking show on Netflix. Britney is free. And Lohan looks like a glowy spring chicken—she’s engaged, returning to the silver screen with a Netflix rom-com, and no longer taping the short-lived Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club (She’s also hawking NFTs and meme coins on Twitter, but we’ll give her a pass on that because you would do it too for a check!).
Thank you Planet Fitness for giving us the gift of Lindsay: the only MVP of the Super Bowl as I’m concerned.