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Give Me This Tiffany & Co. Bracelet So I Can Become Queen of the Bat Mitzvah Girls

Image via Tiffany & Co.
Image via Tiffany & Co.

My bat mitzvah reception was held at 2 p.m. in a small private dining room in Rosslyn, Virginia’s China Garden restaurant. It had wall-to-wall carpeting and served soup with pork in it, and when my friends tried to lift me up in a traditional Jewish chair lift, my father asked them to put me down. Still, I’ve looked back at that early 2000s afternoon with nothing but fondness. That is, until now.

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I first laid eyes on Tiffany & Co.’s multi-heart tag bracelet when Racked reporter Chavie Lieber posted it on Twitter:

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It was then that a swell of pickled, kosher lust burst forth from my densely coiled loins. This is the bracelet for the queen of the bat mitzvah girls.

It’s the iconic heart tag charm bracelet, given to the richest of 13-year-old suburban brunettes, except it’s $85 more expensive and shouts, “You only have one tag, bitch, I have all the tags. I am queen of the tags! Go ahead and suck on this clit while I mix-belt my haftorah portion!” It’s a trophy bracelet of Jewish girl teeth, of bat mitzvahs you skipped and, in your absence, ruined. Of families that have sent themselves into bankruptcy trying to recreate your nighttime Broadway-themed Park Hyatt party, where everyone got king-sized candy bars to take home, as well as a key chain video recording of them lip-syncing to one of a choice of four different Sutton Foster songs with the tap dance break.

This is the one bracelet to rule them all, and I have to have it.

Senior Editor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

liztaylorsearrings
LizTaylorsEarrings

Semi-strafing from a thread above:

When I graduate I want to get a real grown-up lady purse (shhhh) and I’m at a loss of where to go. I want to spend less than $1000 CAD but I don’t want a canvas bag littered with logos.

I’m essentially limited to Coach and Kate Spade (maybe Kors)? I wanna go into a store and really check out the purse and make sure it fits my shoulder, good inside design etc so please no online suggestions. (Even if I love Etsy to bits) Bonus if there’s an actual warranty for longer than 20 minutes. If I pay good money for a purse I better get a damn good warranty...