It’s been about two weeks since Gisele Bündchen filed for divorce from Tom Brady—who has just recently remembered how to win a football game, despite wagering his entire marriage for the chance at another Lombardi—delivering a blow to entitled manly men all over the world. But as Gisele has demonstrated, it’s never too soon to rub salt in the wound in the form of a brawny jiu jitsu instructor.
According to new images from Page Six, the Brazilian supermodel was spotted out and about with mystery man Joaquim Valente on Saturday in Costa Rica. Page Six reports the pair dined at Koji in Provincia de Puntarenas and were joined by Gisele’s children (Benjamin, 12, and Vivian, 9). While it remains to be seen if the duo are officially dating or just hanging out post-training session (a source told Fox News they’re not dating), I’m sending all my manifestations to this rumored couple. Because what’s sexier (if not totally cliché) than a newly freed woman getting it on with her jiu jitsu instructor?! Very Sex and the City of Gisele—a woman who, notably, deserves a partner who can fulfill her needs in the domestic realm and in the martial arts studio and…well, you get the picture.
It’s unclear when Gisele first met Valente, but they seem to have participated in a dominatrix-looking shoot for Dust magazine, alongside brothers Pedro Valente and Giu Valente, last year. By February, Gisele had posted a video of her practicing her skills with the brothers, calling them “awesome teachers” on Instagram and Twitter. “I believe the more tools we have in our toolbox the better,” Bündchen wrote. “I feel stronger, more confidence and empowered since I started practicing self-defense. I feel it’s an important skill for all, but specially for us women.” In a since-deleted response to the video on Twitter, Brady had joked that his “days of leaving dishes in the sink are numbered…” Cue Sad Tom Brady.
Though Valente’s personal Instagram account is now private, his smiling face is plastered all over his business’s website. Joaquim and his two brothers apparently own a Brazilian jiu jitsu studio together called the Valente Brothers, where they teach the “self-defence martial art and combat sport based on grappling, ground fighting and submission holds.” Sounds like sex to me, but OK.
The Valente Brothers’ mission, according to their website, is to “raise the physical confidence and overall wellness of students of all ages by teaching a complete and efficient self defense skill set within a safe, clean, positive and respectful environment.” For Gisele, at least, looks like her overall wellness stock has gone way up with the addition Mr. Valente. Mission accomplished, boys!
“Developing mental strength is jūjutsu; taking care of your body is jūjutsu; striving to become a better person is jūjutsu; living in harmony with nature is jūjutsu,” the site description continues. Just one quick question for the Valente Brothers: Hypothetically speaking, would having rebound sex with your instructor also be “jūjutsu?” After what Gisele has been through with Mr. Luddite, I fucking hope so.