Gifts We Wish Existed

In the course of holiday shopping, you’ll inevitably come across some gifts you didn’t even know existed. But what about the flipside — gifts that really should exist, but for some reason do not? Below, a list of gifts we’d really like to see — manufacturers take note!

Beavis fire alarm

Whether you enjoy baking cookies, frying an egg, or simply showering, you’ve probably heard a computerized voice yell “fire!” at you at some point in your life. My fire alarm, which goes off every time the oven goes on, has the voice of an officious yet understanding woman. But why can’t it have Beavis’s voice? Surely this aficionado of fire deserves to warn you of the impending danger of same. This gift would be best for immature people of all ages.

“Get Off My Lawn” sign

As part of my research into gifts for malcontents, I found many shirts, mugs, and other products bearing dismissive and/or curmudgeonly slogans. I did not, however, find a sign reading “Get Off My Lawn” suitable for placing on said lawn. The Olds — and wannabe Olds — of the world need such a sign. Until they have it, they’ll have to make do with this guy.

Kitten goggles

For those days you’re seeing life through shit-colored glasses, try a pair of Kitten Goggles (TM). These still allow you to see what you’re looking at, but they project pictures of adorable kitties onto your field of vision at all times. I’m no optometrist, but I see no reason why these wouldn’t be possible with today’s technology. They would be perfect for anyone who likes kittens, or hates real life.

Gum pocket

You’re twenty minutes into a movie when you notice your gum has gone stale. If you diligently saved the wrapper somewhere easily accessible, you’re fine. But what if you didn’t? Do you go rooting around your purse in a darkened theater, before finally settling on a piece of someone’s business card to wrap your discarded gum-wad in? Not with a gum pocket! This gum-proof sac fits in any purse or pair of pants, and comes in a variety of attractive colors. It is also completely biodegradable and when it’s full, you can send it back the company so the gum can be recycled into earrings or something. I don’t know why no one has made this.

Sandwich robot

Toy companies are always making cute robots that learn to say shit, but why not make a robot that does something truly useful. I would like a robot that makes me a delicious grilled-cheese sandwich, ideally with fresh tomato. The deluxe version would go to the store and purchase the necessary materials for the sandwich, then clean up afterward. It would also cut the sandwich in triangles. This robot would make a great gift for lazy people.

Cockroach-powered clock

You know those fun clocks that are powered by potatoes? I would like one that gets its juice instead from the movement of cockroaches. I’m sure some enterprising engineer could rig up a treadmill that the little guys run on in exchange for food scraps, thereby charging up a battery. After all, cockroaches already eat our crumbs and dead skin cells and other gross things — the least they could do is work for the privilege.

Coffee gloves

Modeled after the beer helmet, these gloves would contain insulated reservoirs into which you could pour piping-hot coffee. Then it would warm your hands during your commute/ski trip/holiday stay at your parents’ freezing house/whatever, and you could drink it via discreet straws running up your arms. I see no logistical problems whatever with this idea. I expect to hear of its availability very soon.