It’s tough to buy for the friend who has everything — but what about the friend who hates everything? Never fear: we have suggestions to help you melt your most curmudgeonly buddy’s frozen, twisted heart — or at least help her revel in its twistedness.
A true curmudgeon does not want to be bothered while she’s drinking her coffee — or ever. Help her send that message with a mug that says “Go away” on one side and “No seriously, leave me alone” on the other. No one will bother her with smiles or small talk again.
An insulting t-shirt
It’s so much trouble to tell someone you’re not listening to them — especially if you’re not listening to anyone, ever. Your curmudgeonly friend will be able to tell everyone he knows exactly what he thinks of their useless prattle with this charming t-shirt.
A pair of isolationist headphones
The world is so annoying! But with a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, your favorite malcontent will be significantly less bothered by the cacophony of neighbors, dogs, traffic, and loved ones. For best results, these should be worn at all times.
A relatable book
The Worst Person in the World tells the story of a man who loathes everything, just like your buddy. As A Kid explains on Amazon, “The man in this book hates just about every thing but its because he hates every thing that makes the book so good.” Warning: the ending may be too heartwarming for the most curmudgeonly tastes.
A jar of unappetizing candy
Someone of your friend’s sour disposition will surely enjoy some sour balls. Sure, you could get her some fun, tasty candy like Warheads — but you know she hates fun.
A profane necklace
If you want to make your malcontent pal’s life easier, give her a necklace that lets her say “Fuck You” to everyone around her, without uttering a word. If anyone complains, she can assure them that yes, it is personal.
A bottle of bitterness
You can help a curmudgeon mix a cocktail to suit her disposition by buying her this classy set of six different flavors of bitters. There’s even a mint one, so her scowl of disapproval will be minty-fresh!
