My friends, we are blessed. As of today, Donald Trump’s official campaign gear store is open for business. I know, I know: you’re overcome—for whom should you purchase that onesie? Those solo cups? Fear not, Jezebel is here to offer unto you the definitive Trump Dump Gift Guide.
Let’s keep our favorite constipated muskrat in our hearts and minds, and just begin.
This “boutique quality garment” manufactured by the notably ethical clothier American Apparel would delight the tender bottom of any man-baby.
The men’s rights activist you rigorously avoid at family reunions, Mike Huckabee, Mel Gibson, Rush Limbaugh
At $20 for a pack of three, these “double wall insulated,” solo cup-esque beverage containers must not be wasted on a mere pedestrian beer pong enthusiast. We’re gift giving to make America great again, people. Let’s take this seriously.
Incoming junior associates at Goldman Sachs, Chris Christie (to collect his tears as he bemoans Bruce Springsteen’s bitter hatred of him), the wad of raw beef at the back of your fridge that you occasionally sculpt into Donald Trump’s likeness
Give these babies to the spunky pal in your life who will cheer us all straight to hell!
Montana Master “Monty” Max, Sean Hannity, Mr. Burns, Ted Nugent
We’ve selected a bold royal blue background to complement the menarche crimson triumphantly announcing Trump’s hallowed name.
Suggested recipients: Larry the Cable Guy, Dick Cheney, Walter Palmer (for the golf course, not for future hunting expeditions), Antonin Scalia
So, my loves, take this guidance and your credit card; it’s up to you to do the rest. I do beseech you, however, to refrain from gifting anything to that sociopathic weasel Ted Cruz—unless, of course, it’s this.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Top Image via Getty. Screengrabs via shop.donaldjtrump.com.