Gifts for the Murderous Fashion Fiend

By Julianne Escobedo Shepherd | November 20, 2015 | 9:20pm

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From Zoolander to The Devil Wears Prada, pop culture has cast hardcore fashion people as sadistic, unapologetic, demanding monsters. While that’s not totally true overall, they can be awfully hard to please during the gifting season, if only because they have everything and are over it. If you can’t afford to buy out the V-Files Shop, here are under-$100 items to present the most extreme fashion witches in your lives, the ones who are a step away from dominatrices and may even share some characteristics with murderers. Anna Wintour probably wouldn’t go this far, but Miranda Priestly definitely would.

Christian Louboutin Nail Color ONLY in Rouge Louboutin

There is no reason for nail polish to cost $50, but Christian Louboutin’s name goes a long way—as does the stiletto-inspired design of the bottle, which can also double as a shank. Rouge Louboutin is the only way to go, because it is the color of both blood and the signature redbottoms of all Louboutin shoes (which is copyrighted, by the way). Accept nothing less. (Nordstrom, $50)

Glow in the Dark Poison Ring ($61.95)

A poison ring is truly the only accessory that an enterprising woman really needs, as it strikes the perfect balance between instrument of self-protection, and instrument of murder, plus you can store very tiny items inside. This one glows in the dark for nighttime use. (Etsy, $61.95)

***Champagne Supernovas*, Maureen Callahan and The Battle of Versailles, Robin Givhan**

The year’s two best books on fashion; Champagne Supernovas traces the intersecting lives of Kate Moss, Marc Jacobs, and Alexander McQueen in the wild ‘90s, while Versailles takes it back to 1973 for one night in France that changed the course of fashion history. Your giftee may already have them (and subsequently make you read them), but at least you’re showing you care about getting it right. Also: hardcover books can also be used as a blunt instrument. (Amazon, $13.52 and $19.03)

May & Maya Women Half Palm Premium Leather Driving Gloves ($9.99)

Cheap and chic and leave no fingerprints. (Amazon, $9.99)

Capezio Tele Tone Heel Taps ($12.49)

These are made specifically for tap dancers, but if there’s one way to intimidate someone when you walk into the room, it’s by making them know good and well that you’re there. Perfect in office settings; never attend a power meeting without them. (Capezio, $12.49)

WHAT IS THE WIFI PASSWORD sweatshirt

There’s nothing specifically murderous about this shirt, but it enables your giftee to minimize communication with plebeians while also demanding an answer to the most relevant question of all time. Think of it as a means to an end: once she’s connected, she can easily google ways to get said plebs to go away. (Zazzle, $37.10)

Pamela Love Ouroboros Choker in Brass ($160)

This is gorgeous and witchy jewelry from a CFDA winner whose work is highly prized by fashion folks; the ouroboros also symbolizes the essential and philosophical nature of the fashion industry. 🙂 (Pamela Love, $160)

Talon Ring Finger Tip Claw

Lady Gaga’s American Horror Story character has been using a fingertip claw to slice open the jugulars of her victims in order to drink their blood. While your fashionista might not be quite so brazen (depending on whether you believe in vampires, and how hard), this is a nice homage and very intimidating. (Amazon, $20.40)

Elizabeth & James, “Bond Sunglasses”

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen’s more affordable fashion line Elizabeth & James has all the elegance and chicness of their notoriously extravagant The Row, but at a much more realistic price. These are a striking shape and the charcoal shading is perfect for wearing inside and avoiding eye contact with minions. (Shopbop, $195)

Comme des Garcons/Tracy Emin Serpentine perfume ($95)

Comme is one of the only perfumiers your giftee will accept, and the notes in this snake-moniker’d fragrance crafted by feminist artist Tracy Emin sounds as close to a sorcerer’s potion as can be: grass, leaves, galbanum, irisleaf, aldehyde, ozone, black musk, nutmeg, labdanum, smoked cedar, benzoin, juniper wood, gaïac wood. What does ozone even smell like? It’s unclear, but trust that its presence elevates the scent. (Sephora, $95)

V-Files Violently Happy sweatshirt ($90)

A tribute to the best Bjork song—not an album cut but not as successful as some of her other songs, it strikes the right amount of obscurity. Additionally, when worn with a scowl its irony develops levels; your giftee is not happy at all, but she is violent, and proud. (VFiles, $90)

Images via their respective vendors, Illustrations by Gawker’s art team

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