Gifts for the Democratic Candidate in Your Life

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Last night during the sixth—count em six—Democratic debate, PBS Newshour anchor Judy Woodruff closed out the night with a question so friendly and non-threatening that it almost sounded like a joke: She asked the candidates to consider if whether they wanted to ask for forgiveness from someone on stage, or if they wanted to give a gift to their fellow candidates. Woodruff then asked them all to gather for sharing time under the rainbow parachute hidden behind the stage. (I jest, but....)

It was clear from the increasingly uncomfortable chunks of silence that the candidates had not covered gift-giving or forgiveness during debate prep. And in politics-as-usual, they mostly gifted each other copies of their own books.

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But we at Jezebel have better ideas about how to vastly improve the holiday cheer of the Democratic candidates. In the spirit of giving, here is a gift guide that not one single person wanted, but nevertheless, the one that Woodruff asked for: personal and intimate gifts for each candidate on stage.

Tom Steyer

To the billionaire that has everything, I give the gift of a tie. This wool knit tie has a great texture, great color and more importantly it’s not atrocious looking much like the plaid abomination around his neck last night. Wool is great for winter.

Elizabeth Warren

Never has a pen been so repeatedly and masterfully wielded as it was last night. For her next debate, Senator Warren will want, nay need, a quill and some papyrus. We don’t know what she’s writing but should she accomplish being the youngest woman elected president, the papyrus will lend prestige to her notes when they’re added to the Smithsonian.

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Pete Buttigieg

A gift card is something reserved for someone you don’t really know or don’t really like. Mayor Pete is both of these things. Last night it became very obvious that the Mayor cares about his brows and got them done prior to the debate.

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I love a man who cares about his brow game and wish to gift the Mayor a gift card to the European Wax Center. Pretty sure he gets his eyebrows threaded but continuing his campaign will take up a lot of time and waxing offers a quick clean up for the man on the go.

Joe Biden

This was a tough one: Until I remembered that creepy uncle Joe is in an unspoken competition with Senator Warren to take the most selfies on the campaign trail. He’s going to need a selfie stick to accomplish this goal.

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Andrew Yang

Andrew Yang is on a mission to make America think about math again. I am heavily against this mission as a terrible math student who is deeply shamed about their reliance on calculators. For the man who probably uses fewer calculators, I gift an abacus. It’s the only math-based instrument I can think of that has not been overtaken by AI or automation. Maybe a protractor in his stocking?

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Bernie Sanders

The moment that stuck out for me from Bernie’s debate performance is when he was asked a question about race and decided to pivot to healthcare and then loosely tie it back into the race conversation. (But not before Amna Nawaz interrupted, to remind him to please answer the question about race.)

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On the first day of Hannukah, I give Senator Sanders an excellent book titled So You Want to Talk About Race, by Ijeoma Oluo. It’s obvious that the senator is trying in earnest, to connect race to broader political issues, such as the environment and healthcare. But when he screams things like, “I’M WHITE,” it, um, doesn’t play well.

Amy Klobuchar

When Klobechar’s bangs quivered in the last debate it distracted people from more important thoughts—like figuring out why in hell this person should be president. This debate, her hair was unyielding, probably the result of a solid blowout. In order to keep this confidence going and prevent another quiver watch, I gift Senator Klobuchar a gift card to DryBar.

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About the author

Shannon Melero

Spurned blogger. Out for vengeance.