George Zimmerman To Have Touching Reunion With His Gun

Get out your hankies, kids, because it’s about to get real dusty in here — puffy Floridian child killer George Zimmerman will soon likely reunite with his soul mate: the trusty, reliable gun he used to fatally shoot 17-year-old Trayvon Martin through the heart. Sometimes life really does seem like one big, fuzzy Nicholas Sparks novel, doesn’t it?

This is yet another touching twist in the Twilight-esque saga that began when one teenager who made the mistake of procuring Skittles alone at night and then walking home in a threatening (black) manner before being heroically confronted by Zimmerman and his bumbling but lovable gunfriend, who was just days from retirement from the force (the “force” in this case means the imaginary police squad to which Zimmerman fancied himself to belong). That fateful night — the night that Zimmerman and his gun were ruthlessly torn apart by a society that wasn’t ready to accept their love as “legitimate” — Zimmerman followed the unarmed teen in his car (reminder: the teen was walking very blackly) and eventually, against a 911 operator’s instructions, approached and confronted Trayvon Martin. The two scuffled, and just when it looked like Zimmerman’s Die Hard fantasies were going to end with him getting his ass kicked by a skinny teen, the gun was fired into the chest of the boy, ending the boy’s life. What a hero, that gun.

During the investigation (during which Zimmerman referred to Skittle-wielding Trayvon as “the suspect“) and subsequent trial, Zimmerman had to deal not only with all kinds of public scrutiny (ie: Hey, why did you kill that child, you stubby fuck?), he had to do it without the shooty comfort of his best friend, his gun. Just picture George Zimmerman, tender, young, 29-year-old George Zimmerman, gazing mournfully out of the window of his cell, singing a Somewhere Out There to his gun. An American Tail: Fievel Goes Postal.

Luckily, Florida is a special place, a place where killing doesn’t count as murder if the person doing the killing can convince 6 white ladies that he was scared before he did it. (And if you’re an adult man who is desperately, pitifully scared of black teenage boys, well then — looks like someone gets to shoot to their heart’s content.) And because The Sunshine State legally enshrines a non-black man’s constitutional right to play IRL Surprise Cops N Robbers with whatever unfortunate be-hoodied teen happens to be around, Zimmerman was acquitted and is now free of the shackles that kept him away from the love of his life.

At this point, as a feeling person, you may be wondering BUT WHAT ABOUT THE GUN?! What about the precious, precious gun?

Good news, you sentimental saps: Zimmerman and his gun — the very same Kel Tec-9 pistol he used to kill *BUT NOT MURDER* Trayvon Martin — will be back together soon; Florida law entitles men like Zimmerman to reclaim their firearms. Picture, through a romantic Instagram filter, Zimmerman and his gun running toward each other in a field of flowers. They’ve been apart for so long, these two; they’ve got a backlog of stories they’re bursting to tell each other. Imagine them lovingly embracing, Zimmerman looking into his gun’s glinty eyes, and telling the gun he’ll never leave it again. “I love you so much,” whispers Zimmerman in much the same way that Trayvon Martin’s parents probably wish they could whisper to their son.

In case that wasn’t tear jerky enough, the New York Post reports that Zimmerman doesn’t plan to retire his best friend; he plans on carrying it.

Asked whether Zimmerman, 29, intends to carry the weapon, [Zimmerman’s attorney] replied “yes.”

“[There’s] even more reason now, isn’t there?” O’Mara told ABC News. “There are a lot of people out there who actually hate him, though they shouldn’t.”

A lot of people hating him, even though they shouldn’t. I bet a black teenager like Trayvon Martin would have no idea what that’s like.