Gang of Rogue Turkeys Terrorize Staten Island

Feather covered thugs are throwing their weight around in the New York City borough. What can be done to stop the gobbling menace?

According to the New York Daily News, Staten Island‘s Ocean Breeze neighborhood is positively overrun with aggressive wayward fowl.

It sounds like something out of a really hilarious horror movie. The neighborhood’s turkey problem began when a resident released her pet turkeys on the grounds of the South Beach Psychiatric Center. We can only assume that a lot of scary things happened that made the birds mean, and now they’re stalking the neighborhood, even going so far as to attack one woman in her car-

“It was straight out of ‘Cujo,'” said dental assistant Gina Guaragno, 23. “I’m sitting in my car Facebooking on my phone when turkeys jumped on my windshield.

“I screamed like I was being murdered. They just kept looking at me like it was their car. I felt trapped. I was so scared.”

Straight out of Cujo. Except they’re scared of windshield wiper fluid and aren’t giant rabid dogs; they’re turkeys.

Residents are upset by the “filthy” and “disgusting” animals and their weird naked wrinkly necks. Says another resident,

“The turkeys are terrible, terrible,” said Sarina Sanfelice, 82, who keeps a garden hose by her front door to drive them away.

“They come in droves by the hundreds and eat the figs off my fig tree and poop all over everything. I complain and complain, but no one will help us.”

We may laugh at the plight of the Ocean Breezers, but I find myself empathizing with them, at least a little bit. I grew up with chickens, and while they’re not as large or fearsome as turkeys, they can get pretty mean and aggressive. If I had a nickel for every time I ran, screaming and terrified, across my front yard while being chased by an enraged rooster as a child, I’d have at least a dollar and I would use that dollar to buy something made of chicken to eat out of spite. Fowl do not mess around. They would kill you if they had the chance.

Godspeed, people of Staten Island. I don’t envy your predicament. If only there were some sort of holiday coming up that involved eating a lot of turkey, all of your problems would be solved.

Scourge of Staten Island: Turkeys Terrorize Residents As They Roam Around Neighborhood [New York Daily News]