Fuck, Marry, Kill: Famous Robot Edition

If you have ever taken a moment to pause and contemplate the fact that we’ve been in the 2000s for thirteen entire years, it’s likely that you’ve asked yourself where the hell the robots are. Shouldn’t we have them by now? And, more pressingly, if your future robot butler does manage to claw its way out of the uncanny valley and come knocking on your door, will you let it in? What about if it puts its creaky mechanical digits near your nether regions?

You probably won’t be too excited about the prospect, according to a recently-released HuffPost/YouGov poll that surveyed Americans’ attitudes about robots. According to its findings, 58 percent of Americans believe that robots will be cleaning our homes by 2030, but only 33 percent would want a robot servant. Not surprisingly, as the tasks in question became more personal and emotional, those polled were less likely to want a robot getting involved: only 22 percent would let a robot care for an aging friend or relative, and only 9 percent would have sex with a robot.

Our attitudes about robot sex bring up a lot of poignant and difficult questions: questions about how we conceive of gender and sexual orientation; questions about the fragility of the nature/technology binary and whether consciousness even exists; questions that probe into the darkest depths of human desire.

However, the most important question we must ask ourselves when faced with this imminent future technology is FUCK, MARRY, KILL: Rosey the robot maid from the Jetsons, C-3PO, and Wall-E.

The case for fuck: Rosey is a sassy robot in a french maid’s outfit who knows her way around a space shaft. Also, she once appeared in a Kanye West video.

The case for marry: If, in the future, we’re still going on about how the dual-parent family unit is essential in maintaining the stability of society because it yields high-functioning children, Rosey perfectly epitomizes those values. She is a domestic goddess who’s great with kids — although you’ll have to figure out the mechanisms of reproduction on your own. Maybe she can incubate a fetus in her stomach hatch?

The case for kill: Her mouth is shaped like a very small guillotine.

The case for fuck: He’s fluent in over 6 million forms of communication 😉

The case for marry: Not only is he arguably the most accomplished humanoid robot of all time (NAME ME ONE MORE ACCOMPLISHED HUMANOID ROBOT, I DARE YOU), he’s also very polite and receptive to your needs. And he’ll totally help you with the chores.

The case for kill: He’s kind of an irritating nerd.

The case for fuck: He’s capable of finding beauty and hope in a waste-strewn post-apocalyptic landscape, and, even at its worst, your sex life is probably way better than that! So just imagine the wonders he could do!

The case for marry: SORRY BUT THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. WALL-E LOVES EVE.

The case for kill: He’s a sentient trash compactor.

Fuck: Wall-E
Marry: Rosey The Robot Maid
Kill: C-3PO

Now I feel much more prepared for 2030.

“Robot Sex Poll Reveals Americans’ Attitudes About Robotic Lovers, Servants, Soldiers” [HuffPo]

Image via Sarah Holmlund/Shutterstock.