French Seduction Academy Claims Dominique Strauss-Kahn Doing it Wrong

When the moon hits your eye like a big creme brule, that’s seduction.

Despite the fact that human beings have been successfully copulating for the entire history of the human race and our very existence today is an expression of that fact, many schools exist to teach you to effectively convince others to let you have sex with them.

One of those schools promises to teach you the unique art of French seduction for the low, low price of $2,500 a semester. But if you’re expecting to get yourself Dominique Strauss-Kahn-ified, think again.

France has a long standing reputation of being a country full of baguette toting love machines, but that reputation has taken a hit recently with the revelation of DSK’s history of lady-groping in addition to the most recent charges brought against him. School director Veronique Corniola, who I imagine smokes using one of those long Audrey Hepburn cigarette holders, believes that the DSK case is emblematic of how the current state of French seduction is in crisis.

“All of this has led people to believe that French men are the best seducers in the world,” Corniola says glumly. “That’s finished, over. They’ve become too aggressive, the way they touch too vulgar.”

She adds,

“Dominique Strauss-Kahn is not a French lover.”

The school has unleashed 3,000 unstoppable love machines into the world since it opened in 1995, teaching such indispensable skills as “how to hold a woman’s hand when you greet her.”

“We need to make love,” director Veronique Corniola says on a muggy morning in Paris. “It’s very good for a man. It’s also good for a woman. We just don’t know how to do it very well.”