The back cover of the March Free People catalog featured The Ugliest Shoes Ever Conceived. Viewing those shoes was such a traumatizing experience, we delayed actually looking inside the pages, should worse monstrosities lurk there. Guess what? They do!
The $168 “Bright Side” dress tries to trick you into thinking it is springy and yellow, when what it really is is short, chartreuse and partly sheer. A frightening combination.
Almost every skirt or dress in this catalog is crotch-grazingly short. This “Ruffled Layers” skirt is obviously no exception. The good news is, it has a name that makes sense, unlike the “My Fair Lady” jacket ($138), which Audrey Hepburn would never ever wear.
Oh, look: The “Floral Slouch Clog,” aka The Ugliest Shoe Ever Conceived™ in its natural habitat! Actually, the design seems clear to me now, and it’s perfect for pseudo-hippies: The boot goes up high to protect crunchy young ladies from briars and poison ivy as they trudge through the brush to Woodstock-esque outdoor concerts; the toes are open to show off a pedicure. She may be a Deadhead, but she loves her Essie polish! Other theory: The height of the boot means less leg-shaving.
One thing Free People excels at is creating Garments That Must Be Worn With Another Similar Garment (GTMBWWASG). I’m not talking about pants that must be worn with a shirt. I mean pants that need pants under them, or shirts that need shirts under them. For instance: You can’t just wear this $88 “Merrie Gossamer Slip.” You need the right kind of bra/camisole, as this model demonstrates. It is so sheer! The $68 “Trojan Horse Belt” is optional, but if you want to look like a faery who travels by Pegasus, you should probably get it.
This is a classic case of GTMBWWASG. The “Kaleidoscope Tunic” opens to the waist and covers one-eighth of the thigh. You can’t just grab it and run out of the house, you need an additional layer. Pretty colors, though.