Fox News Panic: Lindsay's Boobs Might Be Sagging!

The linkbaiting headline “Lindsay Lohan vs. Gravity: Is Actress Jeopardizing Comeback With Bra-Free Lifestyle?” has an actual story attached. You see, Lindsay is “no stranger to self destruction,” and is “doing a number on her breasts” by “refusing to wear a bra.” Guys, this is real, fair and balanced news.

Jo Piazza writes:

Going commando might fly when you’re 18-years old but gravity is a vengeful mistress and soon enough Lindsay’s ladies will be sinking to the floor.

Our nation’s worst nightmare. Boobs on the floor. Right now, Americans are sobbing, tearing our their hair, and running around in circles, screaming.

Piazza speaks to a plastic surgeon, who has the audacity to say that when you don’t wear a bra, “the distance between the nipple and the crease below the breast becomes longer and stretched looking rather unnatural.” Sorry? You mean perfectly natural, right? As in, the way our bodies naturally change as we age, and how breasts look in nature, or in a natural world, one without Wacoal underwires.

It gets worse. Linda Becker, a bra-fitting expert and the owner of Linda’s Bra Salon in New York City, says that when a lady doesn’t wear a brassiere, “They all get saggy when the tissues under the breasts break and Lindsay is going to end up looking like a WaTuTu warrior.”

OMFG. Someone do something. If she doesn’t put on a bra, Lindsay might look vaguely African, the worst possible thing in the world. (As an aside, if you Google “Watutu woman,” you’ll see that is quite an awesome thing to be.)

Getting serious for a moment: We are being told to believe that “Lohan’s predicament could have serious repercussions on her career.” But don’t be fooled. This faux-concern is made possible by the sad fact that a woman’s body is not her own. It is an object, a commodity to be publicly criticized, ridiculed, placed on a pedestal and knocked down. It doesn’t matter if she is a healthy, able, strong human being. A woman’s physique is only worth something if she has a “bikini body” that looks good without makeup, and an actress is only as good as her mammary glands.

Lindsay Lohan vs. Gravity: Is Actress Jeopardizing Comeback With Bra-Free Lifestyle? [Fox News]