Former Porn Star Sasha Grey Reads To Kids, Pearl-Clutchers Require Smelling Salts

She wasn’t doing it naked surrounded by 10 aroused guys, but nevertheless Sasha Grey has found herself at the center of an hysterical storm after parents of Emerson Elementary School in Compton complained that the former porn star was reading to first and third graders as part of Read Across America. Tweeting that she had a great time and the students were the “sweetest,” a rep for the school district now denies she was ever there despite substantial photographic evidence to suggest otherwise. What’s more intriguing than the fact that Sasha and the kids looked like they were having fun, is how the Helen Lovejoys even figured out her past in the first place. Were moms and dads typing complaint emails with one hand while keeping up-to-date with her Tweets or feverishly masturbating to one of her old clips with the other? [TMZ]

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Is it just me, or have Robert Pattinson and co. been told to amp up their sexy times talk while promoting Twilight: Breaking Hymen? Talking dirty with Jimmy Kimmel, Robert discusses the minutia of Thrustgate. “It wasn’t me. It was Kristen who was causing it to be R-rated. I’m kind of still doing the same thing – the general movement,” he said. “They kept telling you not to move. They almost wanted to have a kind of leash on the back of you so you couldn’t thrust past a certain…. You could literally only like… just the tip or whatever.” Talk of the “tip” reminds me of guys trying it on during the good ol’ teenage years and simply slays me every time. [OK]

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George Clooney says back pain from a botched stunt while shooting Syriana back in 2005 was so bad he considered suicide. Though that may sound like it’s trivializing the issue, George says the spinal injury and resultant headaches got so bad he’d figured out a way but instead ended up using booze to numb the pain. “I was at a point where I thought, ‘I can’t exist like this. I can’t actually live,'” he said. “I was lying in a hospital bed with an IV in my arm, unable to move, having these headaches where it feels like you’re having a stroke, and for a short three-week period, I started to think, ‘I may have to do something drastic about this’ … but I never thought I’d get there.” [My Fox]

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His promise to stop Tweeting and hand over the reins to a management team after his supposed “error” — you know, accidentally-on-purpose siding with those who cover up child molestation — lasted all but a few hours, with Ashton Kutcher taking time out from his busy schedule of schmuckification to post this picture of himself. Or was it one of his Tweet team? Who knows anymore? Between this and the whole cheating scandal it’s all a bit much. Let’s talk a street walk down memory lane and hark back to a more innocent time, like when his surprisingly not homophobic gay kiss in Dude, Where’s My Car? gave us the vapors. [E!]

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Like almost every cool and successful adult, Madonna got picked on in high school. But rather than succumb to peer pressure and try to fit in, she went the other way and cultivated some growth that’d make Mo’Nique proud. “I saw how popular girls had to behave to get the boys,” she told Harper’s Bazaar. “I knew I couldn’t fit into that. So I decided to do the opposite. I refused to wear makeup, to have a hairstyle. I refused to shave. I had hairy armpits.” As good, she also says she sub-edits daughter Lourdes’ musings on the Material Girl website and lets her know if they’re not up to scratch: “I proofread her blogs and edit them and give her a hard time when I think she’s being a lazy writer.” [People]

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Not only does she make Snow White And The Huntsman look insanely appealing, Charlize Theron makes us want to be besties — well, more than usual — by getting a little salty at a BAFTA screening of her new film, Young Adult. Asked how she managed to play a boozy ex-prom queen so well, she replied, “It’s because I’m a total cunt,” before littering the room with a few more profanities. After it was suggested she leave the stage, she kept on keeping on: “Screw that, I flew from fucking LA for this.” [The Sun]

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Schlock horror! The Kardashians are going to exploit the divorce as fodder for their 7,000 shows, including Kourtney & Kim Take New York. “We decided a long time ago when we first started doing these shows that we were going to be really just raw and not edit ourselves,” hissed Kris Jenner, while flicking her forked tongue. The episode screens on November 27; you guys wanna head to the park that night and play some kickball instead? [Page Six]
Kylie and Kendall Jenner are happening, people, the sisters receiving some bullshit style award this weekend. [E!]

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• Blake Lively is pussy-footin’ around in Christian Louboutin‘s ridiculous yet amazing lion’s paw ‘Alex’ heels. A steal at $4,995, with Christmas around the corner they’re perfect for the drag queen that has everything. [Page Six]
• Poor, ol’ Jessica Biel said she hated seeing herself naked in straight-to-DVD Powder Blue, and promises she’ll never go nude again. [Daily Mail]
• Tori Spelling hawks pictures of her new baby girl Hattie Margaret to the highest bidder. [US]
• Howard Stern could be the next judge on America’s Got No Talent. Thoughts? [E!]
• Taylor Lautner says he tries to avoid internet gossip, but sometimes can’t help himself -– Hi, Taylor! [Parade]
• Tween beefcake Taylor also says he was surrounded by feeders on the set of Twilight: Breaking Hymen. [US]
• Couldn’t-hate-her-if-you-tried Taylor Swift needed crib notes to remember all of her thank yous at the CMA. [Page Six]
• Victoria Beckham laughs at poor people by chatting on a $15-30,000 phone, depending on which paragraph of this story you read. [US]
• It may have been “rancid“, but Mariah Carey admits pregnancy was good for her vocal range. [NYDN]
• Katy Perry confirms she’ll only be having one kid after telling Ellen DeGeneres: “If it doesn’t hurt the first time. I’ll keep popping them out.” [E!]
• Michael Jackon‘s family are understandably pissed that MSNBC is airing the Conrad Murray documentary, yet seem unsure about how ratings work. [NYDN]
• Roll it up (or not, I hate pot), Weeds and that sessy Mary-Louise Parker are sticking around for another season. [E!]
• Reality TV star Laura Bellizzi‘s dad comes forward to say his daughter isn’t having Mel Gibson‘s child. [Radar]
• The Latin Grammys were last night — you’ll note the overuse of the culturally condescending application of “fiery” on music blogs today — and Shakira walked away with the 2011 Latin Recording Academy Person of the Year award. Sidebar: does anyone else agree that the brunette wig she wears in the “Rabiosa” video suits her like crazy? [E!]
• Photos of Heavy D‘s final recording session. [TMZ]
• Brad Pitt jumps into the Occupy movement fray with some interesting advice. [E!]
• Forget Billy Crystal, who wouldn’t want The Muppets hosting the Oscars? [People]
• Kirsten Dunst says Lars von Trier was a bit of a creeper on the set of Melancholia. He used to give everyone a little “love tap” on the butt and ran around her naked one day. “Thank god I had an umbrella in my hand,” she said. [Vulture]