For This One French Dolphin, the Beach Can Be a Very Erotic Place

Different dolphin.
Different dolphin.
Image: AP

I can’t tell if this news item is more about horny dolphins or humans with dolphin-slash-mermaid fetishes, but in any case the sexualized dolphin story trend has not abated thanks, of course, to France.


Vice reported via Ouest-France on Monday that a lubricious dolphin near the shoreline at France’s Bay of Brest has been attempting to rub himself against tourists and kayaks in the manner of dry-humping. Le Télégramme reported on Monday that the dolphin, now named Zafar, has a “pink penis about twenty centimeters often erect.” Comme une petite baguette.

Samy Hussani, director of species conservation at Océanopolis in Brest, explained to Ouest-France that “the solitary dolphin is looking for company. He will rub against the hulls of boats or humans while he is in heat.”

CNN reported on Tuesday that the dolphin’s behavior became so frisky it was deemed a threat, and the local mayor, Roger Lars, wound up banning sunbathing on the Brittany beach where the horny sea creature tended to show up. Lars told Ouest-France that he issued the ordinance on August 20 because “several swimmers were very scared.”

Not everyone agrees. A local lawyer named Erwan Le Cornec told Le Télégramme that the new ban went way too far and only contributes to the “demonization” of the dolphin. Clearly it is now incumbent upon us to ask whether the dolphin enjoys being demonized.

contributing writer, nights


Dolphins are not the sweet and innocent animals people think they are - pods of male dolphins will separate a female from her pod and gang rape her while attacking her to prevent her from leaving. They will literally stick their dicks in anything to get off - including (but not limited to) the rotting carcasses of fish, and according to local news outlets, the dolphin in question actively prevented a swimmer leaving the water on at least one occasion and attempted to drive them away from the shore.

Nature doing its thing is perfectly normal and understandable, but never never underestimate or make the dangerous mistake of believing a wild animal is ‘harmless’ just because it’s been friendly previously. Dolphins are large, powerful creatures whose bodies are evolved and adapted to live in the Ocean. They are strong and capable. We are comparatively weak swimmers as water is not our ‘natural element’. Yes, we can swim, but if a Dolphin drags us under we can’t hold our breath as long as it can. We can’t swim fast enough to outrun them, and Dolphins are carnivorous - sure, they eat fish, but meat eaters have sharp teeth and strong jaws - a Dolphin that closed its jaws around a wrist, hand, ankle or foot could do serious damage and hold on tight enough to drown us.

Don’t be idiots. Wild animals are still wild. Never assume they are safe.