Photo: AP (Not the clams referenced in this story. Other clams.)
Photo: AP (Not the clams referenced in this story. Other clams.)

The thing about this country, a patchwork of petty microaggressions and police state mentalities, is that just about every news item about “Florida Men” strikes one as quintessentially American.


To illustrate this hasty theory, may I present 51-year-old Nelson Agosto, who, according to the Associated Press via TCPalm, was arrested last Monday after calling 911 to complain about the inadequate size of his Crabby’s Seafood Shack dinner, specifically the clams.

Agosto told the 911 dispatcher, in a call later released by the Stuart Police Department, “I ordered something, and it was extremely so small.” After the dispatcher told him to call a non-emergency number, Agosto reportedly called a second time.


Though Agosto was apprehended for the undeservedly alarmist calls, he was, according to the AP, never taken to jail and awaits a January court appearance.

The police department has since gently shamed him in a public forum.

I will see you in small clams court, sir.

In other Florida Man news, 23-year-old Michael Joseph Oleksik was arrested in Cocoa, Florida on Friday after he reportedly punched an ATM that “was giving him too much money,” resulting in alleged property damage.

contributing writer, nights

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