Finally: Dolce & Gabbana Releases Baby Perfume for Your Putrid Infant

How have we, as a people, dealt with the foul aroma of a freshly bathed baby for so long? One intrepid perfumer dares to go where no person has gone before, and finally puts an end the malodorous stench of a newborn.

Dolce & Gabbana teamed up with the Grand High Witch to cover up the abhorrent stink of cherubic infants. In their test kitchens, they conceived of a chemical combination so pungent that it might be able to mask the putrid smell of rotting flesh so normally associated with babies. At long last, they emerged with a baby perfume unlike anything on the market, mainly because it’s so fucking stupid.

Gabbana says the scent was inspired by baby skin and breath, a mom’s hug (?), and a child’s first smile (???). A bottle of these things your child already possesses will set you back about fifty bucks.

You might question the redundancy of creating a perfume “per I bambini” that smells exactly like bambini, but then Gabbana would have you killed. Besides, why enjoy the natural smell of your child’s first smile (???) when you can spray possibly toxic chemicals all over them to recreate it? It’s like smiles upon smiles upon a mother’s hug!

So, everyone, if the repellent bouquet of your child is as despicable and noxious as we imagine it is, it’s time to head out and spend $50 on some perfume to double down on the funk. And with that, I’m off to pay $100 for new deodorant crystals that make me smell just like a poorer version of me. I don’t need dinner or rent, I’m living the dream!