Finally: Dolce & Gabbana Releases Baby Perfume for Your Putrid Infant

Illustration for article titled Finally: Dolce & Gabbana Releases Baby Perfume for Your Putrid Infant

How have we, as a people, dealt with the foul aroma of a freshly bathed baby for so long? One intrepid perfumer dares to go where no person has gone before, and finally puts an end the malodorous stench of a newborn.

Dolce & Gabbana teamed up with the Grand High Witch to cover up the abhorrent stink of cherubic infants. In their test kitchens, they conceived of a chemical combination so pungent that it might be able to mask the putrid smell of rotting flesh so normally associated with babies. At long last, they emerged with a baby perfume unlike anything on the market, mainly because it's so fucking stupid.

Gabbana says the scent was inspired by baby skin and breath, a mom's hug (?), and a child's first smile (???). A bottle of these things your child already possesses will set you back about fifty bucks.


You might question the redundancy of creating a perfume "per I bambini" that smells exactly like bambini, but then Gabbana would have you killed. Besides, why enjoy the natural smell of your child's first smile (???) when you can spray possibly toxic chemicals all over them to recreate it? It's like smiles upon smiles upon a mother's hug!

So, everyone, if the repellent bouquet of your child is as despicable and noxious as we imagine it is, it's time to head out and spend $50 on some perfume to double down on the funk. And with that, I'm off to pay $100 for new deodorant crystals that make me smell just like a poorer version of me. I don't need dinner or rent, I'm living the dream!

[Safer Chemicals]

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Dolce & Gabbana is an Italian brand. It is tradition in Italy, as well as other Mediterranean countries including France, Spain and Greece to give cologne as a gift when a baby is born. It may be hard to believe if your own history goes back to 1492 or if you decide not to research a story properly, but this is not to cover a baby's smell. It a ritualistic gesture which goes back to the ancient times when perfumes and ointments were a gift for the precious - frankincense and myrrh, anyone? The children of Arabian nobility, for instance wore scents to distinguish them from less noble beings. The Dolce & Gabbana perfume may be more consumeristic than royal - and god knows if it smells any good at all, but it's not fucking stupid, it's a valid brand extension in an industry that you follow and should know about. Bulgari's Petits & Mamans, a similar concept, has been a bestseller for years. Jezebel, try to educate, not always provoke for the sake of it!