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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Fifty Shades of Dick: The Best Crotch Shots in Mainstream Film

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The sad news that Fifty Shades of Grey will not feature any full-frontal has left many of us devastated. Fear not, however! Jezebel is here to pick up the rubble and distract you with the 50 best (theme, you see?) peens you can see on-screen. Trust us, these pictures will make your mood rise.

As a former video store clerk (with the smug, "unimpressed by your choices" attitude many have come to love and expect from people working minimum-wage jobs that others aren't cool enough for), I have a great fondness for letting people know all about the accidental and not-so-accidental genitals they may see in a movie of their choice. I was never shy about letting customers know if the movie they were renting had an excellent dick shot of a beloved celebrity or an especially good butt scene. I used to do that with porn, too, but stopped after I noticed that one of my customers became visibly agitated when I started talking about how awesome the camera work was in Trunks 2, an excellent pornographic feature all about dudes who love other dudes who love speedos and also taking them off and fucking butts that have just been in speedos.

But this is not that.

This is a compendium of the most important bulges and full-frontal peen that one can see in films that are available on Netflix and at their local Redbox. Some I knew, some my Jezebel colleagues helped me with, and some were complete and delightful surprises.

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The biggest surprise was that this took me more than four hours to put together.

Please note that the following are not in particular order (except number one, which is self-explanatory), but the photos do tend to get a little more hot the further down you go. Isn't that always the way?

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NSFW. Scroll as you wish.

50. Geoffrey Rush, Quills

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49. Chris Evans, Not Another Teen Movie

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48. Peter Hinwood , The Rocky Horror Picture Show

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47. Vincenzo Amato, Decameron

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46. Llan Mitchell-Smith, Weird Science

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45. Jason Biggs, American Reunion

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44. Peter Gallagher, Summer Lovers

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43. Chris Messina, 28 Hotel Rooms

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42. Michael Vartan, One Hour Photo

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41. Skeet Ulrich, The Newton Boys

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40. Giles Marini, Sex and the City

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39. Steven Weber, Single White Female

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38. Stephen Dorff, Innocent Lies

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37.Wesley Snipes, Wildcats

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36. James Deen, The Canyons

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35. David Bowie, Labyrinth

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34. These Unhappy Strippers, Magic Mike

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33. Mark Wahlberg's Prosthesis, Boogie Nights

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32. Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

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31. That One Football Player, Any Given Sunday

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30. Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny

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29. A Whole Nude Beach of Dick, Euro Trip

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28. Harvey Keitel, Bad Lieutenant

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27. Richard Gere, American Gigolo

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26. Kevin Bacon, Wild Things

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25. Some Random Dude All Up In John C. Reilly's FaceTyler Nilson, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

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24. Giant Dangling Penis, Hall Pass

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23. Michael Fassbender, Shame

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22. Viggo Mortensen, The Indian Runner

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21. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike

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20. The Wolf, Into the Woods (PBS)

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19. Ken Jeong, The Hangover

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18. Sacha Baron Cohen, Bruno

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17. Jason Mewes, Zack and Miri Make a Porno

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16. Colin Farrell, Tigerland

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15. Louis Garrell, The Dreamers

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14. Jake Gyllenhaal, Jarhead

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13. Edward Norton, American History X

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12. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain

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11. Whoever This Gentleman Is, Goltzius and the Pelican Company

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10. Ewan McGregor, Young Adam

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9. Ewan McGregor, Velvet Goldmine

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8. Joe Mangienello, Magic Mike

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7. Michael Pitt, The Dreamers

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6. Peter Saarsgard, Kinsey

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5. Emile Hirsch, Taking Woodstock

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4. Mark Ruffalo, In the Cut

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3. Dylan Vox, Longhorns

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2. Jacob Newton, Longhorns

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1. Marco Dapper, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds (Call me, Marco! Also: You can see more of his work here.)

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Did I miss anything important? Please post photos in the comments.

H/T: True Nude Male Celebrities

Image credits in text, top illustration by Jim Cooke.