The sad news that Fifty Shades of Grey will not feature any full-frontal has left many of us devastated. Fear not, however! Jezebel is here to pick up the rubble and distract you with the 50 best (theme, you see?) peens you can see on-screen. Trust us, these pictures will make your mood rise.
As a former video store clerk (with the smug, "unimpressed by your choices" attitude many have come to love and expect from people working minimum-wage jobs that others aren't cool enough for), I have a great fondness for letting people know all about the accidental and not-so-accidental genitals they may see in a movie of their choice. I was never shy about letting customers know if the movie they were renting had an excellent dick shot of a beloved celebrity or an especially good butt scene. I used to do that with porn, too, but stopped after I noticed that one of my customers became visibly agitated when I started talking about how awesome the camera work was in Trunks 2, an excellent pornographic feature all about dudes who love other dudes who love speedos and also taking them off and fucking butts that have just been in speedos.
But this is not that.
This is a compendium of the most important bulges and full-frontal peen that one can see in films that are available on Netflix and at their local Redbox. Some I knew, some my Jezebel colleagues helped me with, and some were complete and delightful surprises.
The biggest surprise was that this took me more than four hours to put together.
Please note that the following are not in particular order (except number one, which is self-explanatory), but the photos do tend to get a little more hot the further down you go. Isn't that always the way?
NSFW. Scroll as you wish.
50. Geoffrey Rush, Quills
49. Chris Evans, Not Another Teen Movie
48. Peter Hinwood , The Rocky Horror Picture Show
47. Vincenzo Amato, Decameron
46. Llan Mitchell-Smith, Weird Science
45. Jason Biggs, American Reunion
44. Peter Gallagher, Summer Lovers
43. Chris Messina, 28 Hotel Rooms
42. Michael Vartan, One Hour Photo
41. Skeet Ulrich, The Newton Boys
40. Giles Marini, Sex and the City
39. Steven Weber, Single White Female
38. Stephen Dorff, Innocent Lies
37.Wesley Snipes, Wildcats
36. James Deen, The Canyons
35. David Bowie, Labyrinth
34. These Unhappy Strippers, Magic Mike
33. Mark Wahlberg's Prosthesis, Boogie Nights
32. Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall
31. That One Football Player, Any Given Sunday
30. Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny
29. A Whole Nude Beach of Dick, Euro Trip
28. Harvey Keitel, Bad Lieutenant
27. Richard Gere, American Gigolo
26. Kevin Bacon, Wild Things
24. Giant Dangling Penis, Hall Pass
23. Michael Fassbender, Shame
22. Viggo Mortensen, The Indian Runner
21. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike
20. The Wolf, Into the Woods (PBS)
19. Ken Jeong, The Hangover
18. Sacha Baron Cohen, Bruno
17. Jason Mewes, Zack and Miri Make a Porno
16. Colin Farrell, Tigerland
15. Louis Garrell, The Dreamers
14. Jake Gyllenhaal, Jarhead
13. Edward Norton, American History X
12. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
11. Whoever This Gentleman Is, Goltzius and the Pelican Company
10. Ewan McGregor, Young Adam
9. Ewan McGregor, Velvet Goldmine
8. Joe Mangienello, Magic Mike
7. Michael Pitt, The Dreamers
6. Peter Saarsgard, Kinsey
5. Emile Hirsch, Taking Woodstock
4. Mark Ruffalo, In the Cut
3. Dylan Vox, Longhorns
2. Jacob Newton, Longhorns
Did I miss anything important? Please post photos in the comments.
Image credits in text, top illustration by Jim Cooke.