Female Force: Barbara Walters' Comic Showdown With Rosie O'Donnell

By Margaret Hartmann  |  February 2, 2010 | 7:00pm
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In this issue of Female Force‘s illustrated biographies, Barbara Walters must overcome sexism by dancing in a black negligee and don superhero tights (literally) to save defenseless damsel Elisabeth Hasselbeck from her greatest foe: “Morbidly obese” supervillian Rosie O’Donnell.

The comic starts with Barbara coming up with the idea for The View. But before she could create a platform for Elisabeth to spew Republican talking points and Whoopi to misread a teleprompter, Barbara had to “pay some major dues.” Apparently, this included watching David Letterman report the news in drag.

Like the Oprah Winfrey Female Force comic, which was illustrated by an Eminem look-alike, the author draws himself into Babs’ story. Here, “raconteur” Robert Schnakenberg warns us that he’s no authority on Barbara Walters, he’s just a dude with access to a TiVo.

Barbara spends her teens and 20s in a series of ill-fated romantic relationships. She has a run-in with anti-communist attorney/Angels In America villain Roy Cohn and narrowly avoids becoming his beard.

But the 1950s are still a perilous time for attractive young women in the business world. Here we learn that the late New York Times columnist William Safire once forced Barbara to strip at a Christmas party.

Even after Barbara became established as a TV journalist, she still had to contend with co-workers putting voodoo curses on her off-camera.

But there were good times too, like partying with Alan Greenspan at Studio 54. In Audition Barbara said she only thought the retort, “You are the blackest man I have ever been with,” while dating Senator Edward Brook. Here it’s presented as sexy boat banter.

The Soup‘s Joel McHale gets an uncredited cameo, representing “media horndogs,” everywhere.

As if this illustration of the cigar that probed Monica Lewinsky’s nether regions stuck in Barbara’s hair isn’t classy enough, it’s on the same page as a drawing of her saying goodbye to her dying sister.

Barbara is often “forced to play the role of peacemaker” on The View, but there are only so many times one woman can change the topic and declare that the co-hosts “really love each other” after the commercial break. Barbara may love some of the co-hosts, but the author notes that after her departure Star Jones “was not missed.”

But it’s clear who the real villain in this comic book is “Outspoken Liberal” Rosie O’Donnell. When Rosie held viewers (and wide-eyed innocent Elisabeth Hasselbeck) hostage back in 2006, spewing her deranged, leftist political ideas, it was up to Barbara to step in and save the day.

If there’s one thing we can learn from the life story of Barbara Walters, it’s that she and the other powerful women she paved the way for would be even more awesome if they had tiny waists, gigantic breasts, and wore Spandex unitards.

Earlier: Female Force: The Poorly Illustrated, Incomplete Adventures Of Oprah Winfrey

 
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