After an unforeseen winter break in an unceasingly tough season, the league has entered the playoffs, and the whole system has been tossed on its head. The holidays brought out second-stringers who have gone heretofore unseen, or at least moderately sidelined; full teams pulling their weight has flipped the entire rubric, and even sure-thing MVPs (Kim Kardashian) didn’t kwuite know what to do, benching themselves in awe while the ringers (Brody Jenner) carried out their best plays of the season.
While the current standings seem like a lock for next week’s grand finale, there’s still enough time for our second- and third-place squads to really jump through hoops and take home the gold. The coach of the winning team, as the entire organization recently decided through majority vote, will receive a waist trainer, a lifetime supply of FitTea, and complimentary CoolSculpting and lip fillers from the Beverly Hills “dermatologist” of their choice. Let’s hustle to the very end, ladies and gentleman!
Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner:
Blog mentions: +1
Instagram appearance: +3
Reign Disick
Blog mentions: +3
Total yardage: 75
Performance summary: STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM NOW MY WHOLE TEAM’S FUCKIN HERE! Team Nobody—I want to say, for the first time ever?—showed up en masse for the first time all damn season. I am so proud of them for getting rushed to the hospital with diabetes (the dogs), showing up in a Kylie Snapchat and Instagram (Reign Disick), giving his parents a reason to be in the same place for long enough for the paparazzi to get to them (Rob Kardashian) and making the cover of Elle UK (Kylie). Our girl looks good in the spread, if also roughly 95 percent made of inorganic materials, and though her deadbeat paramour put her in for half her points after snapchatting a GODDAMN 14-year-old (it’s only going to get worse from here with Tyga, who’ll probably be scoping high school courtyards until he’s 55), she got the points regardless, because that’s how we (all of us; I blame all of us) play the game. —Jia Tolentino
Team Bush & The Tush
Kendall Jenner
Blog mentions: +30
Tabloid cover: +10
Rumored new romance: +5
App mentions: +1
Corey Gamble
Blog mentions: +8
North West
Blog mentions: +11
Twitter appearances: +3
Instagram appearances: +4
Brandon Jenner
Blog mentions: 0
Total Yardage: 72
Performance Summary: The post-Christmas lull could have been a “thing” for Team Bush & the Tush, but thankfully, something downright heavenly happened: Kendall Jenner, rumored lesbian, had a rumored fling with OneDer Harry Styles. There’s nothing like the presence of just one D to light a fire in the bellies of any team, and even the worst-tattooed of them all (which is saying something) managed to do just that. The Daily Mail did what they do best and positively freaked out over the paparazzi pictures of Harry and Kendall on vacation, while Kendall continued feuding with sister Kylie on the highly fictionalized version of their life that airs on E!, and sparked a further smattering of blogs about how she hates Tyga. Excellent. Elsewhere, Corey Gamble enjoyed his Yeezys but did little else; North West wore fur and everyone freaked out about it, Mama Kim K went above and beyond to make it clear to her firstborn that she hasn’t been forgotten post-the birth of the One True Saint, and Brandon was Brandon. —Kate Dries
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink
Kourtney Kardashian
Blog mentions: +24
App mentions: 4
Outside product shill: -5 (FitTea)
Thirst trap: +2
Scott Disick
Blog mentions: +20
Outside product shill, but responsible one: -1 (Lyft)
MJ Shannon
Instagram appearance!!!: +5
Mason Disick
Blog mentions: +7
Total Yardage: 56
Performance Summary: It was a fairly rote week for Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink, who would be riding on Daily Mail thirst for Kourt’s “fit bod” were it not for the ongoing KUWTK saga of her relationship with reformed party hound Scott Disick. On a more somber note, Scott made the news for his on-air statement that were it not for his children, at rock bottom he might have committed suicide. As coach, I do not take these assertions lightly, and am heartened to know that Kourtney and the fam also took him very seriously, and are there to support him as family members and as teammates; he moved forward by dating a Swedish model who, escandalo, has brown hair and eyelashes just like Kourtney. And wildly enough, the holidays got MJ off the bench just enough to lob a hitter from the 30-yard line, with perfect form and a grin with KimYe. We knew you’d come through yet, gran. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
Team Bible
Kim Kardashian
Blog mentions: +24
App mentions: +1
Tabloid covers: +5 (In Touch)
Caitlyn Jenner
Tabloids: +10
Leah Jenner
Saint West
Blog mentions: +5
Total yardage: 45
Performance summary: Momentum has slowed considerably for Team Bible in the playoffs, which concerns me a great deal. I’ve been riding this team all season long in order to clinch the No. 1 spot and now is not the time to lose sight of whatever the end goal is—a trophy? A prize? Bragging rights? I want it. After an MVP season, however, Kim appears nervous with the ball. I’m hoping it’s just playoff jitters because her vibe is rubbing off on Caitlyn and Saint, who barely got their numbers. Kim. WHY. ARE. YOU. TWEETING. A. TERRIBLE. KANYE. SONG??? Meanwhile, the competition is edging closer and even ROB is out here tossing Hail Marys. How do we let a DIABETES-plagued HERMIT show us up? My team has to focus and smarten up. And tighten up. And buckle up. A photo of Saint (’s fingers) isn’t going to do. Unfortunately, motivating that baby is useless. I advised him to play smarter and he merely gurgled and spit up saliva. He does not yet know that the world is meaningless. —Clover Hope
Team the Gross Fan
Khloe Kardashian
Blog mentions: +10
Book mentions: +3
App mentions: +3
Quarterly magazine cover: +5 (New Beauty)
Kris Jenner
Blog mentions:+11
Penelope Disick (daughter of Kourtney and Scott)
Blog mentions:+1
Appearance on Khloe’s Instagram: +1
Casey Jenner Brody Jenner
Blog mentions: +0
Scott Eastwood mentions: +5
NYE DJing Gig: +5
Total yardage: 44
Performance summary: What better way to ring in the new year than with more reminders that Team The Gross Fan has been a huge disappointment! Khloe was on the cover of a quarterly magazine called New Beauty, whatever that means. Kris Jenner was seen around town with Corey a lot. Penelope made the news because her parents took her to the movies, though no one would even tell us what movie she saw. And Brody? Don’t even get me started. This silly man disappointed me more than anyone this week because he couldn’t be bothered to make the most of a rare spike in interest. The man performed a DJ set at a NYE party in San Diego, and not a SINGLE blog covered it. I’m just happy that Julianne was kind enough to lead this post with an image of him. The poor man needs something.
All in all, I feel like this:
—Bobby Finger
COMPREHENSIVE SCORES TO DATE
Team Bible: 994
Team Nobody: 879
Team Bush & the Tush: 834
Team The Gross Fan: 688
Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 660
Contact the author at [email protected].
Image via Getty. Logo by Bobby Finger.
