Everything You Need to Know About Selling Your Panties on the Internet

By Lindy West | April 23, 2014 | 8:25pm

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Ladies. Did you know that there is an inexhaustible resource that is manufactured naturally right in your home, at no cost to you, for which men would be willing to pay you tons and tons of cold hard money-dollars today? It’s true! It’s called CROTCH GUNK. And you are literally flushing money down the drain every time you wash your panties and put them back in your drawer instead of mailing them to some dude in Scotland so he can smellsturbate to your skidmarks.

Sometimes I wonder why more women don’t sell their underpants on the internet (or, if you’re in Japan, in vending machines). It seems like such a low-risk, high-reward way to monetize your, um, natural gifts. But I guess the answer is in the question. Selling your underpants on the internet involves taking off your underpants, putting them in a plastic bag, and then mailing them to a stranger who contacted you via the internet. Based on the intensity of the lemon-face I’m making just typing that sentence, that’s a degree of personal revelation I can’t quite get down with. (No shade on those who do, though! Get yours, crotch-havers!)

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Plus—as I learned in this Reddit AMA with a prominent panty-seller—if you want to be really successful in this business, it’s not a matter of simply making an anonymous website that says “PANTIES 4 SALE,” with no photos of your face or body, and waiting for the bucks to roll in. If your clientele just wanted panties, full stop, they could pop over to Target right now and not even have to pay for shipping. It’s the person, not the panties, that makes the sale.

In short: You gotta market your crotch.

Mia, the extremely chipper and forthcoming subject of the above AMA, has all kinds of supplemental non-panty-related material on her website (NNNNNSSSSSFFFFFFWWWWWWW), including many, many videos and photos of all of the stuff that happens inside the panties before they arrive at your doorstep. I guess it’s kind of like a restaurant sourcing their ingredients on the menu. If you wanted reassurance that the poop in the poopy panties you purchased really came out of Mia’s butthole, DON’T WORRY. VERIFICATION IS YOURS.

And if you, as a potential panty-seller, don’t want to put in the “video of me pooping” level of commitment, this might not be the industry for you. No such thing as a free lunch, etc. (If you are ready to commit, though, here’s a whole lot of information about professional erotic sharting.)

More, via the Daily Dot:

You might be wondering: exactly how much money can one make off selling underwear online? Mia says she charges per hour of wear, with a starting rate of 10 pounds (or $16.82) for 12 hours of wear, charging for “extras” such as “spit, cream pie, peed-in, skid marks, and other bits and bobs.” She also gets a ton of “poopie panties” requests: “Lots of skid marks, wiping bum in panties after pooping, rubbing anal sex toys in panties” (her website also features lots of stomach-turning hardcore scat images to cater to this market, which I strongly advise against clicking through, as they make 2 Girls 1 Cup look like a Pixar movie).

In total, Mia and her boyfriend, who acts as her photographer/manager, have netted a whopping £20,000, or more than $33,000 US dollars, from her panty-selling business. If you’re male, and that figure sounds enticing to you, Mia says that the market isn’t just limited to ladies: although there isn’t as high a demand for men’s underwear as there is for ladies’ panties, “there is DEFINITELY a market for it,” as well as men’s sneakers and, weirdly, tracksuit pants.

It’s never going to be my personal business plan (I am also not a 4’8″ redhead with a teeny waist), but there’s something charming about it. Mia also mentions that, while she isn’t personally aroused by selling panties, she’s developed some sweet, symbiotic relationships with some of her clients:

In a weird way, I don’t really see this as sexual (obviously it is) but I “get off” on knowing that I provide a service for polite and proper men who just have the odd little kicks!

They have a need, she’s willing to serve that need, nobody’s being exploited, a few guys feel less alone in the world, a woman makes money while being in charge of her sexuality, everybody wins. Ta-daaah!

Image via litvinchuk/Shutterstock.