Everything You Need to Know About Douchebags You Can Learn From Booze

Comparing women to food and beverages is a tired trope of douchebaggery that’s even older than the guys who think those jokes are funny. But that hasn’t stopped “ladies be like food…” comparisons from being the scourge of everything from novelty Spencers Gifts bath mats to articles about… wine.

A piece in an Oregon newspaper today contained the following puzzling series of women/wine analogies, courtesy of Pfeiffer Winery co-owner Robin Pfeiffer:

“If you take all the articles written about the heavy reds, the cabernets, the syrahs, the words you see all the time are ‘big,’ ‘bold,’ ‘full-mouthed,’ ” Pfeiffer said. “If you do the same thing with pinot noir, the words are “elegant,’ ‘delicate’ and ‘pure.’ “Pinot noir is the girl next door that every winemaker is pursuing, it makes you drop to your knees.

“The heavy reds are the girl at the end of the bar with the low neckline and the short skirt.”

Ugh, grape culture. Amirite?

The stupidity of Pfeiffer’s comparisons between women and wine didn’t go unnoticed by the Atlantic Wire’s Alex Abad-Santos, who did a little digging of his own and found that the only thing that caricature ladies love more than shopping and leading men on is being all like wine. There’s the comparison in a New York Times article from a year ago. A Food & Wine article from a decade ago. And he noticed it seemed pretty… sexist. Take it away, sir:

After all, we don’t see Rieslings being compared to the guy in the club with a fedora who shoots finger guns while dancing. Nor do we see Gruner Veltliner written about like your friend’s Ivy-league, cashmere crew-neck wearing, educated cousin who has a great smile, is funny, volunteers at the Boys and Girl’s Club and possesses a firm handshake.

On one hand, Abad-Santos has a great point. But on the other hand: Um, challenge accepted.

Just off the top of my head, here are the ways that specific alcohols are like awful male archetypes:

Whisky is an older guy with grey chest hair and a pungent body odor who you’d never consider until after you hit your mid-twenties.
Tequila is a man with hand tattoos and hairy feet who makes you feel terrible about yourself.
Champagne has a nice apartment but treats you like a child.
Even though he’s totally nice and you get along like gangbusters, you always have to mentally coax yourself into wanting to have sex with rose.
Pinot Grigio wears a light blue dress shirt and charcoal grey pants to work. Every day.
Vodka wears long necklaces over sweaters and never works out his lower body.
Jim Beam stands on the edge of the dance floor and watches women dance but never dances himself.
Cabernet thought Garden State was a really good movie.
IPA doesn’t get along with your friends.
Torrontés won’t have sex with you when you’re on your period.