Everything I've Accomplished in the Span of Tinsley Mortimer's Relationship With the Coupon King

Image via Getty.
Image via Getty.

The last time I saw former socialite and Real Housewife Tinsley Mortimer, which was also the first time I saw Tinsley Mortimer, it was May 2017, and—little did I know at the time—she was several months into a relationship with CouponCabin CEO Scott Kluth, whom Page Six has taken to calling the “Coupon King.” That relationship, which reportedly began in February 2017, has sadly ended after nine months.

“Tinsley thinks Scott is a great guy … it was too much too soon,” a source told Page Six on Monday.

Well. I know what she means, because to me personally it feels like February was a mere three seconds ago, and it’s hard to think of anything I have done that matches the achievement of an entire reality television relationship. Isn’t it weird how time works? To illustrate my point, I have made a list.


Over the course of Tinsley Mortimer and Scott Kluth’s doomed relationship, I...

  • Killed a large bug
  • Bought sage to burn in my new apartment
  • Learned that I hate the smell of sage
  • Transferred to a new city council district
  • Started taking allergy pills every day
  • Went to the gynecologist
  • Ruined relationship with gynecologist after she held up her hand in a wave-like motion to say “now I’m going to insert two fingers” and I, without thinking, waved back
  • Became paranoid that I was suffering from: appendicitis, HIV, cervical cancer, radiation from the cell phone towers on my roof, extremely early-onset dementia, skin cancer, eye damage from accidentally looking at the eclipse
  • Accidentally looked at the eclipse
  • Watched all of Gossip Girl for the second time
  • Bought 8 Glossier products
  • Saw Hannah Bronfman DJ at a promotional event for sparkling water
  • Cut my leg shaving
  • Wore overalls in a cool way
  • Did that swerving thing with people on the street where you get confused about which way to walk
  • Did this so many times that it became a Thing and I had to discuss it in therapy
  • Bought a crystal
  • Watched two scary movies without screaming aloud
  • Spoke to my plant
  • Wrote several blogs
  • Went to one barre class with Joanna Rothkopf
  • Saw Joanna Rothkopf do the splits
  • Flew my cat on a plane to Kentucky to live with his grandparents
  • Improved my relationship with Louis, Joanna Rothkopf’s cat
  • Stormed out of a club
  • Thought about taking guitar lessons
  • Ate 20 pounds of gummy bears
  • Read the beginning third of 5 different books
  • Made an “onion jam”
  • Got a vape pen
  • Lost it immediately
  • Tried nut cheese
  • Cried on the subway while making eye contact with another girl who was crying on the subway
  • Bought a pair of hiking boots
  • Hiked 2 miles, experienced hip pain
  • Thought about my escape plan for if New York City is attacked by a foreign adversary
  • Considered getting a bike but only for that specific situation
  • Met Tinsley Mortimer
  • Pretended my roommate’s Real Housewives tagline was my Real Housewives tagline in order to impress Tinsley Mortimer
  • Gained a tiny, permanent zit on my chin—a forever friend
  • Considered getting bangs
  • Decided what I wanted my tattoo to be
  • Changed my mind, came up with a new tattoo idea
  • Followed 17 tattoo artists on Instagram

I guess I’ve done a lot, actually.

Illustration for article titled Everything I've Accomplished in the Span of Tinsley Mortimer's Relationship With the Coupon King

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.

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I like the notion of Tinsley as a “former socialist,” but she seems to have always been pretty capitalist preppy. I mean, she married a guy named “Topper”....