Everything Is Bad, So Jeff Bezos Had a Space-Themed Birthday Party!
The billionaire and aspiring space colonizer celebrated his sixtieth lap around the sun as Earth goes to shit.


On Wednesday, CBS News reported that a contingent of California’s thousands of homeless and displaced had been driven to live in dangerous caves along a Modesto river bank. Days earlier, a few hundred miles south, Jeff Bezos—who made $7.9 million an hour in 2023—celebrated his sixtieth lap around the sun in a way only a billionaire can: a lavish party populated by other billionaires in Beverly Hills.
According to a Page Six exclusive, Bezos brought in his birthday alongside an amalgam of Hollywood elites and cartoonishly evil business titans, including Jay Z and Beyoncé, half of the Kardashian clan, Ciara and Russell Wilson, Bill Gates, Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Oprah Winfrey, and Disney CEO, Bob Iger. So, basically, a room full of folks who could solve most of the world’s problems with a check if they wanted to but…don’t!