Welcome back to hell, you guys! This week on Bachelor in Paradise, the cast was extra sunburned, extra horny, and extra emotional.
Dan dumped Ashley S.—who immediately started talking to birds and crabs (“crabs actually smile”) and making statements like “I’m not gonna live by this darkness, I’m gonna live by the sun and love by the moon”—and went on a date with Amber, during which they climbed up and down a ladder in front of a crowd of people. Carly and Kirk had sex for the first time, after which Kirk described Carly as “a pinball machine,” an analogy that I really don’t understand. And Samantha and Joe, our villainous southern power couple, tried to work the system by planning their romance prior to the show and then LIED ABOUT IT in their INTERVIEWS, and everyone finds out that JOE totally USED JUELIA, and then Samantha gave Joe a very dramatic hand job in the hot tub interspersed with shots of Juelia crying and video chatting with her daughter.
Here is everyone who cried this week on Bachelor in Paradise, and spoiler: it was mostly Juelia.
By the rose ceremony at the beginning of night one this week, Clare Crawley has had enough!!!! She has not found love, and she does not know what to do with her rose, so she runs off and cries to Chris Harrison, who in turn politely manipulates her into staying. “She’s 34 years old and wants to find love,” Ashley S. notes, wide-eyed, in an interview. “And it’s probably pathetic. Like, to her. Herself. She probably feels pathetic.”
Clare signals defeat, and gives her rose to JJ.
Tenley: once, maybe
At the end of the rose ceremony, Tenley kind of cries, or pretends to cry, after Michael—who aggressively pursued her, with dead-eyed confidence and limited charisma—is sent home without a rose. “Oh my gosh,” Tenley thinks to herself. “Cry. Cry. Cry. This is sad. You’re sad. Cry. Okay, just cover your face and squint.”
Carly, it turns out, has (sort-of) missed her brother’s wedding to be on Bachelor in Paradise (her brother Zak, who you may remember from Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette). To a normal person, this might be an unattractive decision, but Kirk decides it’s really cute after she calls her brother during their date and kind of laugh-cries. Kirk, who had been feeling like their relationship was moving “way too fast,” suddenly changes his mind and decides to gift Carly with a night of sex.
Juelia: 7 times
So Juelia got totally played by Joe, who was just biding his time before Samantha arrived (because “Juelia’s okay, but Samantha is the hottest girl here”); unfortunately, Juelia is also a recent widow, and has a daughter, and is/was good friends with Samantha. It is abundantly clear that the producers convinced poor Juelia to ask Joe on that date last week, knowing he would use her for her rose, SO WHO IS REALLY THE VILLAIN HERE, but whatever.
Everyone figures out that Joe and Samantha knew each other going into the show, and yet Joe manages to win every attempted confrontation, because although he is very stupid, he’s apparently smarter than the rest of them. “This isn’t church camp,” Joe smirks, which, actually, it kind of is! Anyway, Juelia has to watch them hump each other all over the beach, pool, and couch area, which is shitty for her. She cries a lot, and receives many sympathetic hugs and back massages.
Dan and JJ both talk a big game re: beating Joe up to defend Juelia’s honor or something, and the episode ends with JJ and Joe breathing heavily at each other—like two bulls locking horns, really, except they wore khaki shorts and pookah shell necklaces and had signed an agreement with ABC to abstain from physical violence.
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Images via screengrab/ABC.