Hello again! There were less tears than usual on this week’s Bachelor in Paradise, for which we can probably thank a combination of Stockholm Syndrome and severe dehydration.
Over the course of three amazing hours, Samantha—who as it turns out was plotting not only with Joe before she came on Paradise, but also Nick, a new guy who is significantly hotter—dumps Joe on his birthday, in front of his birthday cake, because, in absolutely classic form, she is “tired of the drama” [that she started]. Joe promptly decides to try blackmailing Samantha into getting back together with him, which does not appear to work.
Elsewhere, Carly “Freaking” Waddell is really freaking happy with Kirk, Tanner and Jade become BF and GF (with Tanner acting a hair too intense about taking things “to the next level” considering their relationship is approx. 2 weeks old, but I don’t know, maybe I’m just jealous); Ashley S. and Nick go on a sexy massage date (“this is definitely increasing my sensuality”) where they get drunk on tequila, make out, and Ashley tells Nick “I’ll always be your sister here”; and Jared mostly stays in his room to avoid Ashley I. Speaking of which:
Ashley I: 4 times
Jared does the noble thing and “breaks up” with Ashley I., with whom he has shared a total of two deeply uncomfortable kisses. Jared pretends it’s because he’s not over Kaitlyn, last season’s Bachelorette, rather than admitting the truth, which is that Ashley’s emotional development peaked in 5th grade and she is somehow, despite being one of the prettiest women there, about as sexually appealing as a fork.
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